Putting the Sara in Sarakastic

It Could Be Worse...

2012-02-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

At my age I feel like I'm running out of ways to say that whatever awkward social meeting I'm at could get any worse or weirder. (Social meeting is code for date but the word date is taken away after some seemingly normal looking guy always says something like "I need to tell you something")

However, Marisa Tomei in an independent film that I'm not mentioning because it wasn't entirely good gave me a new perspective. The absolutely worst thing that someone can say on a date is:

"I need to tell you something...I'm from the future"

Lawyered

2012-01-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

My grocery store is pretty pricy. So in order to curb this I walk to it. I always figure "Hey, I won't get more than I can carry"...which is true in theory. So today my arms were killing me because milk was on sale stupid on sale milk. Later I was talking about this with my mom.

Mom "You could just get one of those carts like grandma used to use"

Me "Whenever I think of spinsters I think of those carts. That's like the crossover line".

Mom "Kate Middleton was almost as old as you when she got married"

Me "Have you ever seen Kate Middleton with one of those carts? Lawyered"

The Year of the Awesome

2012-01-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

With my powers as princess of everything I am officially declaring it the year of the awesome. Sometimes I hesitate to do things for the sake of practicality or time. I've been trying to be even more awesome lately but still financially responsible. I just don't want to put off all of the little things that are easily delayed. If it's at all feasible for me to do something awesome or be more awesome this year; I'm going to do it. Here's a sampling of awesome stuff I've done in the past few months that I hesitated to try at first.

1. I cooked fried squash blossoms even though I didn't really know what they were. Apparently we don't see squash blossoms in markets or restaurants because you have to cook them pretty quickly after you pick them. Also, people would find eating flowers to be weird. They are delicious and totally worth growing squash (at least the blossoms) again next year.

2. I fixed the garbage disposal that had a bobby pin stuck in it. It was one of the few repair jobs that google hasn't been able to help me with because apparently it's never happened to anyone before. If it does happen to you just let me know I'm awesome at fixing it.

3. Smashed a geode open and found a crystal. I don't know why this took me so long or why it's been on my life list; but I did it and I found crystals. If smashing open geodes was a job I would have a calling in life.

What awesome things are you going to do this year?

Because I Don't Have a Pinterest Account

2011-12-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

The next 5000 babies I need to buy gifts for will be getting a onesie like this. It says "I just got here and I'm already awesome"

In the Spirit of the Season

2011-12-06T20:43:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of the season...I wasn't going to post this. However, it's been rolling around in my head and it has to be said. However, my good will kicked in and I won't post a link to the necklace or the celebrity designer. I can't be any nicer than that no matter what month it is. It's just a gold tone square necklace in free form shapes...but something about it really bothered me. So celebrity designer and you know who you are, your necklace looks like ravioli. Now I feel better.

Bait Bike

2011-11-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

I was going to use this as an example of how safe Utah is. When I googled it though there are also similiar programs in Toronto and New York City. The police leave an unlocked or poorly locked bike with a gps on it. Then they follow whoever takes it and arrests them. This is one of the few operations with the word "sting" it that I've heard of in the time I've been here. Anyone else heard of this? There are some advantages to living here, unless you steal bikes. Then you're screwed.

Sherlock Sarakastic

2011-11-10T17:40:00.000-08:00

My mom told me that she didn't need my help with the buying of Christmas presents this year. I was relieved because I have many brothers and many nephews. There really aren't a lot of people to buy cute girly stuff for. So I was a little perplexed that she had been able to pick out the same present for all of us; especially since there's a wide range of married and single people as well as ages with my siblings.

Then things became even more curious when she had to make an appointment and drive two hours away to get our presents. The only possible explanation I can come up with is family funeral plots. At least now I'll be able to tell if she thinks I'll ever marry if she buys one plot or two. Possibly there's the whole Gilmore Girls crypt annex conversation coming in my future.

Scary or Cute?

2011-11-03T22:05:00.001-07:00

I was on the bus last week and could feel a guy looking at me. I didn't look back because I've been in such shock lately from all of the non-ninjas that this planet has to offer. I was on the bus first and sat on the first seat on the left. He sat opposite of me on the right. We took off hats and gloves totally in synch. He was wearing orange and I couldn't remember why I had stopped that. We both took out brightly colored ipod headphones at the same time. Mine were pink; his were red. It was an exact mirror image, so I couldn't help but smile.

We spent the morning together. He gave me what I'm sure is a fake name but that was ok because I gave him one too. We walked around and talked about our favorite indie bands. I kept my hand on my mace; trying to figure out why he was different. Then it struck me. He was the only person I've met who is happier than me; and therefore better at life.

He was passing through town on kind of a tour of the country. Both of us taking time out of our conversation to smile at other people and be friendly. We saw a rock that looked like a face so we stopped and built it eyes and a mouth.

We talked a lot about the people he had met and he showed me pictures on his iphone. He got to one of me on the bus when I had refused to look at him before I had talked to him. He said "This is why I'm spending time with you". I couldn't decide if it was stalkery or sweet. I asked him why he took it and he said because I was pretty and I still don't know how to take that.

We ate lunch and sent the salsa back twice for having grapes in it until one of the other waiters explained to our waiter that they had started putting grapes in the salsa. Then we exchanged numbers and he left on another adventure. Now, as a long term person or even a friend; he would drive me insane...just too drifter-y. He texted me a few times and then I texted back and then he didn't text anymore and that was ok...this story isn't so much about him.

It was significant because until that morning I hadn't realized how forced my life is; how much I pay attention to manners....how long the search for a ninja has been. I spend too much time going over and over why things don't work; when really I just need to know that they don't work. All of a sudden a guy showed up and talking to him and being around him was just easy in a way that all of the dating I've done has not been. Since I make up stories for people that are probably better than their actual lives I can only assume that he's out there somewhere swimming in a pool of glitter.

This is a Thing Now

2011-11-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

The Snuggie was bad enough. Now it's the Forever Lazy. Really? We're struggling as a country right now and what we need is to BUY something to make us lazier? First off, if you're going to make footsie pajamas; make footsie pajamas. You don't need accompanying fuzzy socks. This would actually prevent things from riding up as you slept.

My favorite part of the commercial is when a guy is walking into a staduim bathroom while the voice over talks about the convenient zippers for when "duty calls". I hear "doodie calls" every time they say it. Who are these people that find it so difficult to wear clothes?

How to Not Keep a Secret

2011-10-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I was in a store and saw this faux book and thought "Oh. I should buy that, I always have books laying around. No, if I do that everyone will know it's a fake book. Plus, it doesn't even have Trainspotting written on it. Wait, people will know it's a faux book so they will know not to look in it". So I bought it.

The last part of that statement has never happened. Everytime someone walks into my apartment that's the first thing they spot, and then they walk right over and open it up. The thought of privacy doesn't enter anyone's mind. More people have seen the spare cell phone cords than when they were on the end table. I feel somewhat bad about it, people are always so excited and feel so smart and full of childlike illusions. I need to figure out something more awesome to put in there so that feeling of discovery doesn't die; maybe I'll write some fake love letters from a ninja....or maybe a treasure map also from a ninja. Ninjas are awesome.

Et tu Random Bus Guy?

2011-10-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

I realize that the past 5 or 6 posts have been about how weird Utah is. Just all of this is happening in such a short succession that it's the first time I've ever considered moving out of the state. People keep pointing out how weird it is that I'm normal, and I've never listened before.

Sure, I know it is true but I look at the beautiful mountains, and how safe it is besides the people putting extra cheese on your credit card at taco bell, and the super affordable cost of living, and I stay. I stay because such a beautiful place shouldn't just be for crazy people. Also, the fact that our license plates would say "Utah: not just for crazy people" is the reason I don't work on the tourism board. Really, it's a lovely place and I've always wanted to raise a family here. If you're single and 29 though apparently just weirdness is unleashed on you. However, I don't know where else I would go to find people somewhat like me unless there's like somewhere called Crapbag, Illinois. Also "Our Town is a Crap Pile" is an acceptable name and I'd live pretty much in any state for that.

So today, this group got on the bus, 8 older people; obviously on vacation. An older gentleman and his wife sat in front of me. The guy turns around and says "Where is your man?" I thought he was referring to the little boys running in the back of the bus. I smiled politely and said they weren't mine. He repeated the question again. I just looked at him blankly because who would possibly say this to a random girl? Then he motioned to the empty seat next to me and said "What? Did you lose him or something?" and the entire bus broke out laughing. Ummm random bus guy, I know this dentist you are going to love.

Even More Reasons I'm Not Married

2011-10-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

Regardless of religious affiliations; this one problem has been getting in my way a lot lately with dating and even simply conversing with people. I don't like the apocalypse. I personally think that you should not use it as a solution to say global warming. Yes, the whole earth could be destroyed soon. Another solution would just be to all change our light bulbs and carry fabric grocery bags...but you know your way works too.

Even when people aren't religious, maybe it's just the area I live in, but there's always some guy who wants to live off the grid. Every single time I try to talk lately, it seems to come up. It's sad that I have to state this yet again; but I am not interested in anyone who knows more than 20 ways to recycle urine. I love the grid; that's where they keep all the candy bars.

More Utah Tales

2011-10-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Dentist,

I started suspecting that maybe you and I weren't going to be best friends when you declared that the fillings in my mouth are old and that apparently fillings only last for 10-15 years, so mine would have to be replaced soon even though they are in functioning order....because they are old. I suspected that maybe this wasn't a thing, but I was at least going to go home and look it up first. (Seriously, has anyone heard this from a dentist ever?)

Then you asked how old I was. Then you loudly declared in shock and disbelief "You're 29 and you don't have kids?" Everyone knows that first you are supposed to hound me about marriage. Your options for this as far as I can tell are "Aren't you afraid you're going to die in your apartment alone?" as well as "You should go get married". However, instead just jumping straight to the fact that I haven't procreated yet is overkill. It's not how things are done.

My one solace is that this question isn't supposed to start until after I'm married. I knew a woman who got so sick of this question that a few weeks after her marriage when people would ask "When are you going to have kids?" she'd loudly declare that she was barren, even though she wasn't. Maybe today I shouldn't have smiled and said "No, I don't have kids; and it's wonderful." Cause really all that got was more dental work where I couldn't talk while hearing how children are a blessing. So today Utah, I say the same thing I say to you when I look at the pitiful selection of seafood "At least it's a pretty place to live".

We're Number...50?

2011-09-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

I love my state. It is awesome. That is why I live here. However, I seriously think any of our local news stations have the worst headlines ever. It's like someone from How I Met Your Mother was writing them for Robin. A sampling tonight was about a Taco Bell employee who was committing credit fraud. The headline was "She wasn't dipping into the sauce. She was putting extra cheese on your credit card". First off, I do love that someone stealing the amount of a Taco Bell order twice was enough to make the news. It makes me happy to live in such a safe place.

I've said this over in my head 87 times and it still doesn't make sense. I get that sauce and cheese are things that are at Taco Bell. However, even if it had been translated into a different language, translated back into English, and then kicked by a donkey I still don't understand it. What are the worst headlines or news teasers where you live?

Inner Beauty

2011-09-24T15:00:00.001-07:00

In the three years I've had my Dell I've often said "This is the last time I buy a computer just because it is pink". Right now the list of issues is as follows:

Dead internal battery
That's ok because the charger no longer charges the battery
Broken frame around the screen that I fixed as best I could with a computer guys help so I can no longer see the inside of my laptop. This is good news.

Messed up hinge. No I didn't drop it, I just you know opened and closed it on a regular basis.

Any of these fixes will cost about 1/3 of a new computer. Since I work online I consider my computer to be much less expensive than actually commuting somewhere. However, I also know a lot of people who do my job with keys missing on their keyboard, so I find that very noble and inspiring. Impossible but inspiring.

I vowed that the next time I was in the market for a computer I was going to learn what a processor was. I wasn't going to be swayed by anything shiny. Then I saw this computer with flowers on it. I never said anything about flowers, only about pink. I was a grown up and went for a more expensive version with a good processor. It is silver. I like to think that it has inner beauty. I know that technically I can put decals on it; but it just won't be the same as having the flowers built in.

Why I'm Yelling At Your Furniture

2011-09-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

Unacceptable: I've noticed a recent decorating trend. I call it bossy furniture. It seems like everything from Pottery Barn or any Pottery Barn knock off or craft blog is trying to tell me what to do. There's tables with the word "Eat" on them, and beds with the word "Sleep" stenciled on them.

Acceptable: Stencil a toilet seat with vulgar words, or better yet just "Go potty",

Unacceptable: Then there's the signs, oh my gosh are there the wood signs and vinyl wall words. Everyone in Utah seems to have one, or one in every room. They say commands like "Cherish Every Day" or "Keep Calm and Carry On" or the worst yet "Always Kiss Me Goodnight". I just want to yell "You are not the boss of me. I can eat when I want to".

Acceptable: I would use these in one circumstance. I always thought it would be awesome to have a really traditional elegant home, with the vinyl wall words up. However, I'd just take all of the numerical characters so it looked like swear words like @#$^ ^$#. That's not really a swear word as much as it's me quickly typing with the shift key on but you get the idea.

Rude Things Not Said By Me

2011-08-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know why it is ok for the general public to just tell me this, but it's not ok for me to say whatever sarcastic thing I'd like to say. Since I've started living on my own, everyone young, old, polite, rude, has the same reaction. I seriously have this conversation 5 or 6 times a month. They say something like this, and no I'm not exaggerating or reading into it. It is not implied, or tip toed around. It is just the thing they say:

"What happens if you die, there will be no one to find the body".

So, if I ever I start getting close to someone I remember that Gilmore Girls line "There will be someone there to call the morgue".

Since I plan on living forever, this is not a huge concern for me, and if I'm saying it's a rude thing to say then you know it's bad.

It just got me wondering if that's all relationships are to some people, someone will be there to call the morgue. I guess that's why I'm still single, I could have that, but that's not what I want. I mean it's a nice sentiment and all but I want a life with someone, not just a life in the general vicinity of someone.

To me the much more concerning thing about living alone is the inability to eat an avocado. I love them, they are my favorite food. However, I never buy them unless I have house guests. You see an avocado has approximately a zagillion grams of fat in it, so I only eat half. However, there is absolutely no way to save half an avocado, even over night, even if you go in the cooking room and make it into another food through magic. It will always brown and taste slimy and gross. It's wrong to throw away half of an avocado before it's rotten and looking at the bad half makes me sad that I ate it to begin with. The Future Farmers of America haven't returned my letters requesting the invention of half of an avocado. Someday there will be avocados.

This Should Not Be a Thing

2011-07-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

The Bed Bath & Beyond clearance section introduced me to something called a thrap. It's part throw blanket, and part wrap. That's right, you are supposed to take it off your couch and wear it like a shawl. Look out next season for it's cousin pat, which is cookware you can wear on your head.

That Totally Saved Me

2011-07-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

I was looking at the allergy label on a bag of almonds. This was not even like a trail mix or mixed nuts. It was just almonds. On the back it said "Warning this product contains almonds". You mean these almonds have almonds in them? Good thing I read that.

I also enjoy the new Chex commercials where it talks about Chex being gluten free. There's a disclaimer on the bottom that says "Excludes Wheat Chex". I always laugh and add "Other types of Chex not included in this statement: Gluten-y Chex".

The Mom Face

2011-07-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

Whenever I see a woman brace herself against something and you can just see the determination there, I think of it as "The mom face". Usually that face is something that is only seen on mothers and I assume it comes with the power to take care of anything. It occurs because she has to do or put up with something totally disgusting while keeping everyone around her calm when really she just wants to stamp her feet and go "ewww gross" or run away. Case in point, the time my Mom fought a rattle snake that was under the house when we were little kids.

I've seen that same face in nature. The other day I watched a sparrow literally beat up a hawk. The only way it could hurt it was to dive bomb it and bounce off of it. The sheer force would push the hawk closer to the ground; but it looked like it hurt the sparrow more. The sparrow would just keep dive bombing it and pushing it further and further to the ground even though there was a huge size difference. The first thing I thought when I saw it was "that must be a mom sparrow and she's mad".

The one downfall to Southern Utah is the bugs. Things that usually aren't scary like moths; are scary when it's as big as your hand. There are animals that I can't even recognize like super high bred duck platypus quail things that aren't scary but just ugly and can't be found in any book. The other night a new bug ran across my floor and I was frustrated because people get paid to spray my apartment so this won't happen and I'm a meticulous housekeeper. Plus, I didn't know my enemy. I found myself thinking "Ok, what's your superpower? Do you fly, breathe fire, what?"

I watched it run into the other room and instead of freaking out I grabbed my hiking boots and a broom. Then I shut the door and said "One of us isn't leaving this room". Even though I don't have kids, I just literally felt "the mom face" come over me. Since I don't have kids, it didn't last and I have now avoided the kitchen for the last three days.

Why I Can Never Be a Poet or Polite

2011-06-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

I literally had to bite my tongue after walking into a room full of hikers so I wouldn't say:

It smells like the river in here and the river smells like sewer

The Moth and The Bee

2011-06-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake up and there is a dead moth on my doormat and a dead bee on the outside windowsill. I give them a proper burial. The next morning...same thing...same place. I can only conclude:

1. Insect fight club.
2. I'm stuck in the lamest version of the movie Groundhogs Day ever.
3. Mob has taken notice of my constant ridicule of show Mob Wives.
3a. Mob has hit hard economic times...instead of horse heads, insects.

Any other theories?

Good News: 2011 Edition

2011-06-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed watching news anchors and crime analysts alike be totally baffled by the fact that the major crime level is the lowest it's been in 40 years. People keep trying to figure it out just because there's the assumption that the crime rate should go up when things are bad for people It's a minor news story that should be a major one. Instead I end up thinking "Just say hip hip hooray anchor person. Tell everybody they did a great job last year." So world, we did awesome last year, keep going.

Superpowers for All

2011-05-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

First thought upon seeing a commercial for reading glasses with lights built in on either side.

"That's a great idea...unless you ever plan to be around people".

Second thought upon seeing a commercial for reading glasses with lights built in on either side.

"This is the closest I'll ever get to having laser eyes".

Why I Am Not in Charge of CC

2011-05-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

I think I have a long lost relative who works at the closed captioning office. On Parking Wars, a guy was talking in Italian. I didn't have cc on, this was just the kind that the show puts over talking to clarify something. Instead of the closed captioning translating what the guy was saying, which is the whole purpose of closed captioning, it merely said "Italian". Whenever the guy would talk it would just say "Italian". It got me thinking, what if that was my job and I could say what was actually going on instead of what the people were talking about? For instance:

HSN would say: Some person selling you crap you don't need.
A&E would say: Gross murdery type shows...ewwww
Mob Wives: Ladies kill sanity wearing fur coats

What would your closed captions say?

My Way Was Better

2011-05-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

The article was about ice storm cleanup. At first glance I read it as "ice cream storm cleanup". Tasty, tasty disaster.

One Sentence Rant

2011-05-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

Pretty much every local news channel in Utah is laughable but can you please stop saying "later on in the show". You aren't on a show, you are on the news, you are only on a show if you are staging something. Now I've gotten so angry that I've totally messed up the title. What's your one sentence rant for the week?

Awesome Stuff I Must Do

2011-05-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think "That would be awesome but usually the type of people who do things like that end up sawing off their own arms to escape something. I'll pass." Maybe I do that a little too much. Here is a list of awesome stuff I want to do, some of it scary, some of it not.

1. Own a gazebo.
2. Go kayaking, not just once, but become a person who kayaks.
3. After I meet someone cool enough, get a mountain tandem bicycle.
4. Find out what those weird human bubble/hamster wheel things are called and then do that. (After several google attempts in what may be the weirdest search string ever, I think it's called a zorb)

Whhhhhyyyy?

2011-04-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

A new commercial for this product has left me absolutely speechless, can anyone else see which one of these things doesn't fit?

Why if you have built a brand, and a name, and thousands of products around a specific material would you suddenly change it to glass? It's like admitting that you're inferior and that you know your regular containers get all stained and misshaped. Plus, it's a slap in the face because I can only assume before thousands of your products came on the market food storage was made out of glass. (This company has been in business since the 1920's-1930's depending on who you believe). What's next? Skittles will start selling actual fruit?

Big Wins!

2011-04-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

I used a Swiffer cleaning cloth on the floor today and it has a weird smell of both baby powder and alcohol. The closest thing that I can think of to describe it is "baby with a drinking problem".

I have been alive for 10,513 days. On this the 10,513 day I finally made a batch of non instant rice without burning it. It tastes like victory...and rice...well mostly rice. What were your big wins of the week?

Things I Will Beat

2011-04-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

There are two things in my life I have always chosen incorrectly: men and table lamps. I'm ok with the former because I'm supposed to have a high failure percentage at dating. Also I found out this week that I cannot fix a vacuum no matter how much I think I can.

Over the years I've had lamps with feather shades and horrible craft project painted shades. That didn't deter me though, I also tried gluing artificial flowers all over a lampshade. It worked, it just didn't look good. I've had that weird ufo lamp shade on plain silver base that everyone gets from IKEA. I've had plain crystal bases that just bored me. I once had a lamp named "lampy", which was a 3 foot tall crystal lamp with homemade gray drum shade that caused such serious roommate contention that it was never put to use. Lampy was ahead of his/her time, as now it would cost $300 anywhere. I miss lampy. I'm looking for a new reading lamp for my bedside table. I've determined from my past failures that it needs to be pretty tall and have a white shade so it's functional for reading, even though I hate white lamp shades.

I think I end up getting ugly lamps just because I want something different and awesome and it works in the rest of my house but somehow just always fails in the lamp department. I find myself hauling around a lot of lamp emotional baggage, like I always know I'm making the wrong choice which is why I haven't had a reading lamp in umm 3 years. Here were a few of the contenders (well the few basic ideas some of them were too expensive). I ended up buying the Eiffel tower one. I plan on having this conversation at least 3 times next week "No I'm not married. Why? Oh I just haven't found the right guy. Getting married is hard. I did however finally buy an acceptable table lamp...go me!"

Amazon.com Widgets

Sarakastic Says the Darndest Things

2011-03-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

Said to my father yesterday:

You work as hard as men half your age. In fact you work as hard as 4 men half your age if those guys have iphones or Facebook accounts...I don't know if you could beat them at the fruit ninja game though.

Freelance Visionary

2011-03-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

I was watching The Secret and a lot of the people in the video are listed as authors or quantum physicists which is an interesting combination to begin with. One very well spoken gentleman is randomly listed as a "visionary". I was like "Neat, is that a job, I want to do that, but it probably doesn't pay that well". So today my visionary work is that by 2100 every store that you walk into will be a little bit different. Thanks to shows like DC Cupcakes, Ace of Cakes, Extreme Cakes, and Cake Boss every single item you touch whether it's at a grocery store or a tackle shop will look the same but will be made out of cake. Then there will be a rise of reality shows making things that look like the things that are made out of cake but actually serve their intended purpose.

Spaztastic

2011-03-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

My name is Sara and I have a confession. I can't run. I don't know why. I run like Phoebe does on the show Friends...kinda like a 6 year old. For awhile I was forcing it, ok even strides, hands at waist, deep breaths, good posture. I kept pretending I had just watched a Youtube video about running because well I figure thats what it would tell me to do. Sometimes I try to work my way into it. "Ok, walking normal good. Ok walking faster good. Ok jogging, great looking great. Alright a little faster and now suddenly and without warning I'm a spaz."

Question

2011-02-21T15:25:00.001-08:00

The last time I bought a phone was 2 years ago, the 2 years before that I also had the same model. I picked it because it had the technological advancement of flipping open. Also it was purple. So, while phone shopping today I just had the same question in my mind for every model "Are any of these phones good for talking?" I'm afraid of smart phones, it seems like everyone has them on speaker phone. I want a phone that I can put up to my hear and both listen to and talk into without the use of a headset. Do smartphones or any of the other weird bar style of phones actually do this?

Abba Jabba 2011

2011-02-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

I think if I had to typify Abba Jabba 2011 it would be butter spray. In fact, I'm considering just turning it into a trophy, buying a fireplace, and putting it on the mantle.

One of the more confusing things about me is that I'm a sarcastic person with a strong belief in the law of attraction. (ie the time I manifested cat poo). Add to that the fact that it was pretty easy to spot anyone who had just read The Secret when it first came out because I had just kicked them as well as my continuing strong belief in God, well the whole philosophy is a mess....and I'm good with that. I don't think you can use it to avoid all disasters or illness. However, when problems arise I choose to get through it with as much grace as possible. Like once my computer had a virus on it, and within 20 seconds out of the blue a friend who never logs into messenger logged into messenger, and helped me through the 18 step process to fix it because this friend used to work fixing virusy computers. Well today was like that except the opposite.

So, I knew when I woke up in a bad mood today it meant trouble. I was obstinate. This was going to be the first abba jabba in the history of this blog that I didn't write about. I wasn't even mad about being alone. I was mad that the perfect life I created myself involved me moving away from everyone I knew and getting a perfect job and living in my dream place even though I've loved it for the past 18 months. Silly thing to be mad about, especially since I made every single move and the other 364 days of the year I'm thrilled with it. I guess I just missed having friends that had known me for ten years or more instead of new friends. The new friends are great but it's unlikely that we will still be friends 10 years from now. It has a lot to do with the fact that everyone is afraid of getting married or not getting married and no one just wants to be friends or put that commitment in and I miss that desperately. The fact that I saw a real life sea captain who probably wasn't a sea captain but just an alcoholic and had no one in a 50 mile radius who would care about my weird observations really upset me.

Well, here's how my day went when I was stuck in my rightfully deserved bad mood:

Store 1: Went to checkout, the final number seemed too high. I showed the cashier that the price tag and the receipt were conflicting. She told me to go find another item with that price tag on it, kinda implying that maybe I had brought my own price tag. I went and looked and that was the last one. She told me to walk all the way back to customer service and have the price adjusted which I did.

Store 2: I was so tired by this point that I could barely push the cart full of groceries. The cashier did not smile at me. The butter spray wouldn't ring up. She had the obvious assumption, that it was my fault. She said "Are you sure you got this here?" Ummm yes I brought my own butter spray into the store so I could buy it again after somehow sneaking it past the greeter. Dang you for thwarting my evil plan. Then she asked me to walk clear to the back of the store and bring her another butter spray and remember the price this time. I was not rude because I understand that her job sucks. Finally got through checkout.

Store 2 Again: Apparently the new name in my brain for customer service called "customer hindrance" had caught on. When walking out of the store the greeter asked to see my receipt because the soda was on the bottom of the cart instead of a bag. I had a ton of groceries so neither of us could find it and again I was treated like a weird thief. My soda was taken away from me and I walked out of the store. However, all the way across the parking lot I distinctly remembered putting the soda on the conveyor belt because it hurt my back. I went back in and found it on my receipt and was instructed to go to customer service...far away...where again I waited in line. The lady instructed me to walk to the back of the store pick up the soda and bring it back to her. I asked for a refund instead and don't have soda.

Gas Station: At the gas station I ran my card and it told me to go see the cashier. I walked in as politely as I could and said "The box has summoned me here". She said that they had just barely changed that particular pump to only be paid inside and hadn't had the time to put a sign up. Had I chosen any other pump I would have been fine.

So at least when I have problems or a bad day it is funny. Please send all positive vibes, prayers, and happy stories my way. Maybe I should just buy an emocycle.

Proof I'm Horribly Out of Touch

2011-02-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

At the store today I saw a loaf of hemp bread. I didn't know we were making bread out of that now. I guess It's hard for me to imagine as a child of the 90s when those necklaces reigned supreme. Never once did I think while wearing one "This should be bread".

On the way home from not buying bread made out of hemp I saw an emo kid riding a unicycle. I laughed because the unicycle is one of our funnier cycles and the emo movement is one of the sadder movements. You can't ride a unicycle sad, you'd fall. Then as I walked home I thought "That really isn't normal. Well maybe it is normal and I just don't know about it. Maybe right this second there are misunderstood teenagers all over this country who yell at their parents for not understanding the significance of Twilight and then slam the door and pedal their unicycles away full of angst"

Subliminal Computer Messages

2011-02-08T20:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget to turn off the voice recognition software on my computer. When I walk away or walk around the room it picks up the noise and turns it into words. Well it's either that or ghosts.

When I came back to the screen today it had typed "If you are him him him". I sighed and thought "Well computer you aren't the only one constantly wondering that but you get extra points for the creativity at the end".

Editors Note: There are no him him hims around right now but I just thought the software should know me well enough to use ninja ninja ninja. Now I have to walk around the house and try to make it think I'm saying ninja, possibly with the blender or sweeping the floor.

Calling Encyclopedia Brown

2011-02-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Encyclopedia Brown was a favorite of mine growing up. I don't know why because I never once solved a case...ever. I was much better at "Choose Your Own Adventure" and even then an alien usually shot me with his laser eyes by the third round. So I present to you the case of the shirts, also not solved by me.

Awhile ago I started noticing holes in my shirts. I checked the dryer and couldn't see any real reason for it. I made a resolution to start using the "delicate" cycle. However, it just seemed to get worse.

Then I briefly considered that it was "cooties" one more reason to hate boys. I was also considering burning everything I own. I'm a princess and this doesn't happen to princesses even though realistically back in the day it probably did, but NOT TO ME. However, it was only on shirts, never on dresses or pants, and ALWAYS my favorite shirts. It was always my "staying home" shirts and never my "going out shirts". Plus it was always in the front in the middle near the bottom. I kept wondering how cooties or the washer always knew which ones were my favorite and where the front of the shirt was. My solution was "super cooties, possibly robots".

There's a pattern here that I just couldn't get. I don't have a cat or long fingernails. Anyone know the solution yet? It's ok I didn't and I am with me a lot. My mom must be some kinda super sleuth. She pointed out today that I need to check the bottom of my laptop desk. Sure enough, for whatever reason there are two sharp screws in the bottom that I've never noticed. I can only assume that the designer has my sarcastic personality. Just to check I made another hole in my shirt with one because I was super excited to not have cooties, sure enough fits all the criteria. Goodbye 12 shirts. Yes, I did this 12 times without solving it. I wonder if Encyclopedia Brown is all grown up and if I can marry him.

No Title Applies To This One

2011-01-31T08:44:00.001-08:00

I was in the parking lot and someone had parked their Jeep directly in back of a motorcycle. There were plenty of other parking spots. I know that it's a tenant and a guest but I just found it mind boggling because we don't have assigned parking or anything. "Look we can fit a car and a motorcycle in one spot". I can only imagine that they were hoping that they'd come back and their two cars would have made some sort of awesome hybrid either a motorep or a Jeepcycle.

The Legend of Antonio

2011-01-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

My first thought when the phone rang at 6:45 am was that whoever was calling obviously did not know me. I figured that they'd call back or leave a voicemail if it was an emergency. If it was a wrong number they would hear my voice on the message and never call back. A few days later, the same thing happened. This time I picked up the phone.

Them: "Antonio?"
Me: "Not even close"

This is where it became quite apparent that there was a huge language barrier here. Whatever I said was understood as "Antonio is not here right now, please keep calling me early in the morning asking for him". Try as I might it keeps happening every few days. What's worse is that I was looking through a lot of my phone numbers today trying to find one that wasn't in my contact list and already hit “call” before I realized that I was not calling who I wanted and this definitely wasn't going to help my case of "I don't know you. I am not Antonio". Try as I might I can not even come up with sarcastic scenarios where other human beings need to call each other at 6:45 in the morning time on both weekdays and weekends.

Sarakastic's Choice

2011-01-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

I don't have an iphone and never really wanted an iphone. Over Christmas my brother who does have an iphone asked a question like this:

"Ok, would you rather play a game where you slice fruit like a ninja or would you rather sort chickens dressed up like ninjas?"

No one told me that the iphone had so many ninjas in it.

Yes I'm Writing One of Those Posts

2010-12-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

Here are a few things that 2010 taught me:

I enjoy hummus. I like lemon hummus and red pepper hummus and garlic hummus and anything that isn't actually hummus flavored.

Walking away from a job, even in a recession, which constantly berated me for both "thinking too much" and "overthinking" was one of my best moves ever.

I would rather be who I am and alone than a more feminine/domestic/less sarcastic person who I am not.

I can cook. I once blurted out to my then boyfriend that I couldn't cook. He had told me to go make him some food. I had said that I couldn't do that. I didn't mean that I can't cook, I meant "I can't cater to you like that because then I'll have bad dreams about Gloria Steinem".

I love my life and where I am. Sometimes I doubt if I'm in the right place at the right time just because it's all so easy and simple here. However, whenever I tell anyone in nearby towns or even the whole state where I live they always reply with "lucky".

It's enough. My non walk in closet, and my standard size bathtub, and the rental agreement that isn't a house deed, and tiptoeing around so I don't wake my downstairs neighbor, and the constant hauling of all of my wardrobe across a parking lot to do laundry is enough. It doesn't have to be perfect, which is great because it's not, but it is amazing.

What did 2010 teach you?

Dam Update

2010-12-22T09:29:00.000-08:00

As far as everything is looking here, it's better than expected, still a few days of rain ahead but I think I'll be able to get to my parents house in Northern Utah for Christmas and everyone else I know is safe as well and none of the bad things that the national weather service said would happen actually did happen. Now I have to go count how many times I can work dam into a sentence without actually swearing. Merry Christmas!

Well....

2010-12-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

I'm in Southern Utah and there seems to be massive flooding and mass panic all around me. My apartment itself is one of the higher ones in the area and I should be fine which is good because there is really no way in or out of my town at the moment. I was looking around at everything I own trying to get some bags together just in case I was evacuated. My laptop bag went next to the door so I can still work no matter where I am. The practical stuff was easy, the sentimental stuff is mostly at my parents house along with all important records. Seriously? I have nothing valuable to take with me? The Gilmore Girls DVDs is it.

I have enjoyed all the talk of a dam potentially breaking considering that they've been reporting on it for 5 hours and only now just figured out that it's made out of clay. I giggle every time I hear "I was just in a meeting with the dam officials". Now, I'm no dam official but wouldn't what the dam is made out of be very integral to the breaking or not breaking process? This is my first flood, I think I will be awesome at it.

Well That's a Thing That Happened That Now I'm Blogging About

2010-12-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

Occassionally I log into a dating site where I don't have my picture listed solely as a way to remind myself "See that guy who took a picture of himself behind prison glass? There are worse things than being alone". So today I decided "Hmm, let's see what happens if I don't put any kind of limitation and just went with pure chemistry results. I'm refusing to date anyone in my area anyways because I don't want to be ax murdered, so lets see what else it out there". The top ten results, from Michigan, Michigan, Texas, and New Hampshire all featured some sort of guy at a renaissance fair. Well that's something about myself that I did not know.

Viva La Fail...Again!

2010-12-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

I hate dating. I am good at almost everything except dating. I'm even good at being single. My dating evolution has somewhat gone like this:

1. Start enjoying the bad dates by making them even worse.

2. The concept of Viva la Fail! It seems like every time I come home I feel like a failure. It's extremely difficult to find someone you mesh with even on a friend level when your belief system and approach to life can generally be described as "a collage of stuff I saw that I liked". Recently I've realized that I'm supposed to fail at this. The entire dating system is designed to fail. The last one is the only one that works. If your success rate is any higher than that then you are cheating on someone and you suck.

3. The even better game. With the concept of dating being something that I'm going to fail at a lot, it can be discouraging. With one particular ex boyfriend a long time ago I kept thinking that he was "the one". He wasn't. In fact he got engaged to someone else who was my exact opposite in every way mere months after we broke up. Sometimes I find myself thinking "Well no other guy is going to like that song or"... That really annoys because honestly when one of my friends talks like that I usually give them a verbal kicking. Instead, I'm trying to play the "even better" game which is pretty easy since I'm the one that made it up. "You mean there's someone even better for me than the Matt Damon look alike who's into new age health, reads, and fixes things? Awesome. I hope he has smile lines around his eyes and mad ninja skills."

Modern Day Superman

2010-12-05T20:11:00.000-08:00

I was just watching Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman from the 90's and it really struck me how many aspects of those classic comic book characters are dead. It also reminded me of my unfortunate 6th-8th grade haircut based on Teri Hatcher. Every story goes like this:

Clark Kent and Lois Lane do journalism stuff at the Daily Planet. Clark Kent then rushes out to save the world by changing into superman in a phone booth.

Now it would be more like:

Clark Kent telecommutes to his job at a content mill after the Daily Planet went out of business as all newspapers do. He spends most of his time on Facebook where he flirts with his coworker lalalane who may or may not be who she says she is. In between this he manages to type out acai berry related rewrites with a super fast typing speed. When he is alerted of danger he rushes outside. First, instead of taking off his glasses like the old superman now like all good telecommuters he has to change out of his jammies. Then he wanders around for 27 blocks looking for a phone booth. Eventually he picks up his iPhone and starts looking for a phone booth generator app.

Dear Santa 2010,

2010-12-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

I'm a little bit at a loss as to what to ask for this year Santa because my life is really good. The parts that are lacking such as a broken popcorn maker as well as a stock pot with one handle are too boring and practical.

For awhile I thought that I would ask you to "adjust the economy”. I don’t want Santa to do it, I want to do it. Everyone on all sides keeps saying "adjust the job market” "adjust the economy". I always picture a lot of computerized slide rules in a room that no one can seem to get right but that I’d certainly like to play around with.

Then I saw a commercial for this kids toys called the Crayola Color Explosion Glow Dome. It shows kids drawing a robot face on it and then rolling it across the room on an office chair. You know how on commercials they always say "the product can't actually talk" or "the cool parts of this that we are showing don't come with it?" I actually have the resources to make that happen, really Santa, I do.

I think what I’d really like though is time to read, lots of time to read. When I carve out twenty minutes for myself, I just end up looking at all the pretty books totally at a loss as to what to pick up because there's only time for one. In previous years I had plenty of time to read and so there wasn't as much pressure there.

That leads me to a common sense primer that didn't happen to me but it happened to my mom. This makes me angrier because well it's my mommy.

There are generally things that we can agree as a society is not good to do while driving. This includes sleeping and drinking. Texting can also be thrown in there although everyone who does text while driving thinks that they are the one person who is good at it. They aren't.

So, I thought that this was something that we all agreed upon because I had never seen it or heard of it in all of the bad driving stories that exist. If you are operating a motor vehicle and ESPECIALLY if you are passing across a double yellow line in bad weather, you should not be holding a large OPEN book on your steering wheel while READING IT...(especially near my mommy, thankfully nothing happened). You should not read and drive. I kept wondering what the book was. I can only assume that it's a text book, or possibly a driving manual, those are the only two things that I can think of that would be urgent enough. I will never complain that people don’t read enough again.

New Mantra

2010-11-19T21:45:00.001-08:00

I watched Portia De Rossi talk about her eating disorder and her continuing struggle with extreme self loathing on both Ellen and Oprah. She's like textbook perfect. I thought "wow, if she doesn't feel beautiful what hope is there for anyone else?" Then I went to get my hair cut.

As far as my own body image goes, I don't know that I ever feel beautiful or sexy, but I don't not either. If I'm in a dressing room and something doesn't fit I think "Stupid shirt, that's right I'm blaming you". So I didn't think I had any huge body hang ups. I really love my approach to I buy clothes that I like, then I wear them. I buy makeup I like then I put it on. Then I just move on with my life and it's not something I really think about that much.

So my big hang up is my face shape. I've always felt that I have an unusually strong jaw for a woman. I have a heart shaped face and have always envied little pixie faces like Audrey Hepburn. Utah girls tend to flat iron their hair...a lot. This is something that roommates and friends always try to get me to do and then when it's finally completed even they can't deny that my head looks huge. Plus, it's not something that is easy to change. No amount of diet or exercise or plastic surgery can really rearrange it. "Hi, I would like my face to be smaller".

So I was at a new hair dresser and she kept going on and on about how she loves oval faces. Oval faces can wear every haircut. I was sitting there thinking "How rude of her to keep talking about oval faces in front of my obvious heart shaped face." I finally said something like "Yeah, I've always wanted an oval face". She argued that I had one. I argued back. Then I kept remembering vaguely that when I sit in a chair every hair dresser talks about oval faces. All these years I've taken it as an insult and a justification that I am somehow irregular. I've imagined hairdresser meetings where lots were drawn for who would have to cut the heart shaped hair. Maybe, just maybe, it's just the stupid flat iron's fault.

So this is my new mantra. The word sad can be exchanged with blah, or irregularly face shaped.

"When I feel sick, I stop being sick, and be awesome instead... True story!"

-Barney Stinson "How I Met Your Mother"

Common Sense Primers for Everyday Life

2010-11-06T14:54:00.000-07:00

Up until today I thought humanity was all on the same page about this, but let's just clear this up right now. If you are on a public bus and:

It's the last bus of the day so your fellow passengers can't transfer off.
You have no formal musical training.
You are with 8 friends who also have no formal musical training.
You only know hymns.

Then it's inappropriate to sing a capella for 30 minutes. You can use the context clues around you to really decipher this such as:

You notice a quiet auction in the back as people vie for emergency exit seating.
The fellow passengers immediately start discussing the pros and cons of hitch hiking and you hear someone say "it's worth the risk".
Everyone on the bus except for you is plastered against the window as if they are trying to put as much distance between you as possible.
Families break apart into groups of "can and cannot walk 12 miles"
A girl's ipod battery runs out and she frantically tears through her purse trying to assemble a backup generator from a granola bar wrapper and a hair clip.

On an unrelated note: If you are in a car with a female who even with fair to middling self esteem knows she is 3000 times better looking than you and:

There are no lulls in the conversation
She is not flirting with you
She has never expressed any interest you
The topics at hand are not beauty, dating, or likes and dislikes or "what would the biggest jerk in the world say right now?"

Then it is inappropriate to say to an obvious brunette completely out of the blue that you only find blonds and redheads attractive. What's your common sense primer of the day?

Dear Trick or Treaters,

2010-10-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've been saving up peach jolly ranchers for you guys all year. I'm calling it festive but really they are just gross so I take them out of the bag and put them away for you guys. I'll be calling the orange color festive. It's a recession. Also, to the neighbor kid who carved a Christmas tree on a pumpkin, that was brilliant.

xoxox,

Sarakastic

Cupids Downfall Part Two

2010-10-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of the story that Stacy wrote all the way back on Valentine's and by Valentine's I mean Abba Jabba.

Once in possession of cupid's arrows Stacy was determined to get rid of them. Sarakstic however, wanted them around because throwing arrows is like kicking people but a lot less work. There was only one solution: use the arrows for good. By good, I mean world domination.

The plan was beautiful in it's simplicity, turn everyone into a minion, take all of the tiaras, and then use the final arrow to get Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston back together because seriously if ever two humans were meant to be... Then order would be brought to the universe by making Matt Damon be in every movie and the evil eyeglass company would actually send Sarakastic a screw for her glasses instead of offering her a 20% discount to purchase the exact same faulty frame again. Also weathermen would just have to say cloudy instead of "spots of sun". The plan also involved stealing Jenn's iPod and Heidikin's shoe collection.

Stacy had her own mission to usurp Sarakastic's evil plan for world domination. She already had minions because she's just that awesome. She introduced Cupid as Boris' cousin from Des Moines. While Sarakastic was enthusiastically testing out which suitor could kick down a door the best Cupid recovered the arrows, dating went back to mayhem, and the tiaras were safe. Pity too because her reign would've been awesometastic.

Date Update

2010-10-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

As far as first dates go last week's was great, I didn't even kick anyone. Then he didn't call which made me sad because seriously maybe 1 out of 300 people will actually understand the words that come out of my mouth so for me it was a rarity, that's at least friend material. Well technically he called right after the date, like when he was still in the parking lot and then never again. I don't know what to do with that that, but I've read "He's just not into you" before. Plus, Sarakastic doesn't do insecure. In fact on more than one occasion Sarakastic might have said "If you can't see how awesome I am, I can't help you".

However, his ninja skills probably sucked so I'm not going to think about it again. If anything I am sadder about the fact that if it wasn't going to go anywhere I could have at least made it so there was a definite reason, although the lettuce already arrived completely shredded. I can only assume the chef knew I was coming.

Viva La Fail!

2010-10-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

So the wonderful and amazing Trish wrote this about failure today and it was perfect timing because I’m actually planning on epic failure tonight on a first date well not failure as much as the exact opposite of what I usually do and it may actually fail. I know my optimism is overwhelming. I almost called this one off just because it was actually looking like a good date but I have decided to persevere.

I am good at bad dates, I am amazing at them. I've decided that in fact bad dates are the most fun because you don't have to worry. You know how there's usually one person who just is the most awkward thing on the planet and then they don't understand why you don't approve? Well in my defense I always wait for the other person to take the weird role or at least call someone else "super fat", yes an actual phrase that has been used and no not by me. Then I just enjoy how awkward something can be if that makes sense. I have to confess that I've always wanted to be the really awkward one so I could:

Go out and buy 5,000 porcelain dolls and give them all names and then recite each one of their names to my date.

Start tearing the salad into smaller pieces at the table because really tossed salad should be bite size. It's one of the most awkward foods in the world and easily remedied if people just tore the pieces smaller.

Ask to borrow his laptop and then spend 3 hour organizing bookmarks in folders of varying degrees of awesomeness.

Pick up my cell phone and yell at people loudly in a business like voice every 2 minutes.

sit down at the table and refuse to say one word the entire time.

Granted, none of those things have ever happened but on my really bad dates I wish I was brave enough to try them because why do the psychos get to have all the fun? I really don’t know what to do on a good date. I’m going to have to practice not having a grimace on my face. Oh please, let it be bad so I can try the salad thing.

A Very Sarakastic Baking Lesson

2010-09-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am bad at cooking but I am worse at baking. Baking requires measuring and not jumping around the house while things are in the oven: two things I'm not good at. Then today I invented a new thing called deconstructed baking and I made my first cake. Deconstruction is basically taking apart something like a Caesar salad and then serving all the ingredients in a pretty line. I'm pretty sure that it was invented by a sarcastic/lazy person. Here is my recipe for deconstructed cake:

Flour
Sugar
Vanilla
Baking Soda
Birthday Candles
Chocolate
Some kinda oil thing
Carrots (I have absolutely no idea what goes in a cake).

Place each item in a separate bowl. Call it deconstructed cake. Dance around the house.

Pretty Much the Best Thing Ever Written

2010-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't been this happy about anything since that bowl that doesn't eat cats. I have a new life motto, and I didn't even write it.

Missed Rites of Passage

2010-09-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

I think I finally realized why I still feel like a little kid playing house (by house of course I mean apartment). I've never been in a soap box derby race. Name a movie about kids there's a soap box derby race in it. Granted, this usually seemed more for boys in the movie, but there was always one awesometastic girl who would swoop in and win with a cool name like Killer or Thrasher. Then there was always the mean kid with the car that looked like a shark. I could've been like a combo of those. I could have been that girl. In fact, I could still be that girl but I just don't understand the proper construction of both cardboard and cars. I blame this for my poor social skills and my inability to commit and parallel park oh yeah and build a car out of a box. Has anyone ever been in a soap box car or helped their kids build one?

You Really Might Want to Rethink That

2010-09-08T17:55:00.001-07:00

I really need a disclaimer both on my blog and in life that says "Not my fault that this happens, I just comment on it". So I was flipping past Entertainment Tonight because that's all it's good for. The announcer said "Next Patrick Swayze one year after his death (long pause)". Umm did anyone else hear that the way I did? Turns out it's a story about his wife's crusade for cancer research which I totally support. However, that's not what they said. Creepy.

Feedreader Predictions

2010-09-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to channel my inner Anne of Green Gables lately and use my imagination more. I'll admit that when I wait for blogs to load in my feed reader, I start wondering what the post is going to be about. Will there be minions? Pretty pictures of New Zealand? Sage life advice from Texas?

Then there are the other blogs on my blogroll that are a little bit more predictable, namely the crafts ones. The pages take forever to load because every craft blog uses tons of sparkly graphics. It's like the web equivalent of a hot glue gun. So today while one was loading I thought "Ok, they are going to say what they always say, here's a round up of things that you thought were just crap but are in fact pretty".

This is about the time that my inner Anne of Green Gables kicked in. Maybe the post is going to be about how a piece of felt came to life in dragon form and that's actually writing the post. Yes, I'm actually 28 years old and hold down a job. Amazing isn't it? Also, the post was just about crap you can hot glue together to make something pretty. Maybe tomorrow.

Anyone else out there make feedreader predictions before reading a post?

Just One Question

2010-08-20T16:43:00.001-07:00

If I could poll all of humanity I think I would ask "What do you people do with the last of the tortilla chips?" With potato chips, it's easy, you eat the crumbs. Same thing with flavored corn chips like Doritos. With tortilla chips they turn into little bitty jagged shards. Plus, to me the tortilla chip exists for dipping and trying to dip with tiny little useless chip pieces just always makes me feel sad and broke. So, I tend to just leave them in the bag. Is it ok to throw them away? I never do because that feels wasteful.

I'll even confess that I can't open a new bag until the old bag is gone so oftentimes I just pour the chip shards into the new bag hoping that by the time I reach the bottom there will be an answer. There never is. In fact, there's just a huge build up of leftover chip pieces. At one point I even saw a recipe for a casserole using these leftover chips. I tried it, it wasn't yummy. What do other people do with the tortilla chip pieces? If you had just one question to ask all of humanity what would it be?

I'm A Little Bit in Love

2010-08-09T22:15:00.001-07:00

I originally was drawn to this bowl called Sable because it was sparkly. However, you must, I mean must, go to the link and read the description all the way through. It's even more unusual because all of the other product descriptions are normal. So, Dear Pier 1 Copywriter wherever you may be, that was simply amazing.

Runs in the Family

2010-08-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like no one gets my sense of humor. Then I go home and see my brothers and laugh harder than I ever have. One of my brothers got married this weekend and I was standing in the cake cutting line. It was casual but pretty, all of the guests were cutting their own slice of a three layer cake which I've never seen before. I was standing in the back of the line watching the bottom layer get smaller and smaller because the human instinct was to leave the flowers on the top tier alone. Plus, people kept taking pieces right next to each other. My thought process was this:

"Ok, manner side of my brain which I never use, is it better to watch the cake fall or remark about the structural integrity. Manner side of my brain, where are you? Stupid wedding manners".

Then one of my brothers went to the front of the line and remarked:

"Now, I'm not an architect, but I do play Jenga and so I think if we all cut from the bottom..."

Guess the Sound

2010-07-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

One of the great adventures of living in an apartment building are all the weird noises. Like at the beginning of the summer I heard this weird scraping noise, like fingernails on a chalkboard. My immediate concern was the air conditioner. Upon closer investigation I saw that it was a kid who had dug up the drip line for watering the plants outside and was dragging it across the parking lot while swinging it above their head. That would've been my second guess.

So when the new mysterious sound emerged today I decided to stray away from the obvious. I'm betting that it's a running wood chipper inside a gigantic blender.

Not My Finest Moments

2010-07-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

In my effort for composure I feel like today life said "huh can you handle this, what about this?" For instance:

The day started out, well the night actually, with a dream about a guy throwing bombs at me...not grenades, bombs. This is what my nephew would refer to as bad manners. Like video game bombs that explode on impact but luckily I stealthily dodged them all which was a good analogy for what the day would hold.

I got locked out of my apartment in 100 degree weather even though I had a key. The deadbolt was stuck and apparently I need to start lifting weights to get into my house.

In hundred degree weather (109 to be exact) I have two looks, one when people will see me and one for when people won't. The later is a stay at home look which includes one pair of board shorts from 1994. It's made of an extremely light weight fabric from Old Navy that I have actually been on the hunt for to replicate to no avail. I've probably bought 7 or 8 pairs in hopes of overthrowing this pair with no luck. Today I sat down and my knee ripped a 10 inch hole just because the fabric was so worn, and not at a seam.

I just saw the hugest non tarantula spider in the world, in my apartment. My only guess was that it came in when I triumphantly got my door opened. There may have been a flourish, like a door opening spider welcoming flourish. It took 20 minutes and a deep emotional struggle as to whether it was ok to kill spiders if they were really gross and too scary to put in a glass and take outside. At one point, channeling Lorelai Gilmore I just had it underneath a cup and thought I'd just leave it there until someone showed up. Spider spray, a dvd case, and a dust pan could not hurt this thing. Screaming also didn't help. So in really my only pair of weather suitable tattered pants and an apartment smelling of non effective but highly fragrant spider spray I'm glad that no one is here to see this, although blogging about it really defeats that.

All in all Dear Life, I kick you with my ninja skills. -Sarakastic

Notes from Saradelphia

2010-07-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

My big act as princess this week was that I banished a completely full bottle of cotton scented Bed, Bath & Beyond hand soap. It was given to me as a gift and I was intrigued that when people thought of what I would like they thought of cotton.

The problem? It smells like an old lady. At first I just exiled the soap to my guest bathroom but after my guests started smelling like old lady diplomatic relationships broke down. Then I went to the grocery store and bought a no name cucumber watermelon brand because it says wowerful on the back. So my overall current mood and philosophy for the day is wowerful.

Dating Snippets from 2010

2010-06-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Lately dating has gotten so weird that even though my web presence is somewhat anonymous I can't really write about the weird dating goings ons of 2010 simply because whoever visited would immediately be able to pick themselves out. So instead, I'm just going to share a few of my thoughts in aforementioned vague, awkward situations.

"You date weird".

"You're lucky that my future ninja boyfriend isn't here to see this crap".

"It's a good thing I don't have lasers for eyes or we'd all be gone"

"No, I'm not interested, but I know someone exactly like you that I can set you up with and you can be that couple at parties that I avoid".

One Step Forward....

2010-06-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

Sign I am a grown up:

I spent money, intentionally on buying three surge protectors for my house. Not anything sparkly, not candy, surge protectors. Plus, I didn't even have any surges beforehand to teach me a powerful life lesson.

Sign I am not:

Looking at people's facebook pages I realized that one of my old friends had gotten married. I don't know exactly why this was such a shock to me because umm that's what people do. Then spent the next half hour saying repeatedly "She got married to a boy".

The Great Gatsby Lights Girl

2010-06-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons that I love living in a small town is that you simply get to know everyone. Just passing by people isn't really an option. Even if you don't carry on a conversation with someone you generally get to know what they look like and a little bit about them. Everyone is a character and you get to see how vivid people are. This has got me thinking a little bit about how I would look to strangers, like if I was a supporting character in a book I would be the:

Girl who mails out a small sized envelope every week but never ever ever has the $.64 cents in change to pay for it so she uses her check card.

The girl who wears a winter beret because it was cuter then a normal hat.

The girl who in the summer always wear a belt over her t-shirt to define her waist and also because it makes her feel a little bit like Wonderwoman.

The girl who no matter the town problem always suggests putting up "Great Gatsby Lights". These are the lights that look like actual light bulbs and are always strung across outdoor parties in really cool old fashioned movies. She then goes on to explain that these lights will solve all of the worlds problems, even though they didn't appear in the book but just look like they would make for a wonderful party and possibly solve everything that is wrong with the world. (Side Note: Great Gatsby Light Girl has never been to a party with these lights but whenever she sees an outdoor wedding with regular white Christmas lights of the non Great Gatsby variety she gets a little sad.) Also here is a picture of what she is talking about:

How would you look if you were in a book?

Bringing Composure Back Since 2010

2010-05-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know what exactly clicked in my head last week but I became obsessed with the word composure. It's not a character trait that I ever think about. Usually I just think about where I am on my own scale of awesomesity. I think I first heard the word in a book. Then I heard it again in a book. I don't know if I've ever heard it in my real life. However, my new goal for this year is to become so calm that people say things like:

"Check out her composure as she levels the room with her sly wit"

or

"Those ninja kicks came out of nowhere, she's always just been so composed"

Nice Save

2010-05-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking to my conservative mother and I was going to say the word crap. I knew that she did not approve of this so my brain said "Quick think of a synonym". Then for the first time ever I blurted out @#$%. Yes, nice save brain, that is a synonym, way to get me out of a sticky situation.

My bathroom is set up in such a way that things easily fall out of the medicine cabinet and into the toilet. So when I saw that my expensive mineral makeup compact was taking the fall I quickly used my ninja skills to karate chop it mid air across the room. Nice save. Unfortunately, it opened, broke apart and scattered the makeup all across the master bedroom's beige carpet. Apparently that stuff really stains. Oh well at least I have ninja skills.

If Only....

2010-05-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

When asked to describe his first date* instead of saying:

"Anything but a movie because I want to get to know the person"

He said "I'd go to a movie so I wouldn't have to talk to the other person"....I would probably be married.

*(not by me I don't ask questions like that, but if someone else asked him and I was in earshot. Also his, he, and him aren't real people or anyone that I know unfortunately.)

Note to Self:

2010-04-30T17:18:00.001-07:00

Every year I go through the same thing so I'm writing a letter to myself so it doesn't happen next year. I always get so excited to get fruit at the grocery store now that it's spring I'm like 'Ohh look it's my favorite flavor of candy but in fruit'. Then I don't get watermelon because it seems too expensive so I end up with cantaloupe or honeydew cause it's less expensive. Then I wonder why my grocery bill is so high. Only when I get home do I notice that I just bought an $8 cantaloupe. Next year just buy candy, arrange it in the shape of a melon and then wait until May.

xoxo,

Sarakastic

Dear Guy on the Side of the Road

2010-04-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

The one really universal thing about humanity is the face that we all make when our car is broken down on the side of the road. We squint down at the engine and then up at the sky as to say "See? It's me. You've got the wrong guy. Now maybe my car will work cause I did the squinty thing". So I was driving along and I saw a guy doing this and at first I felt bad for him. Then I promptly revoked his rights to make that face because he was driving something very close to this:

Now I'm not just being sarcastic and saying he was driving a green Pontiac from the 1980s. He wasn't even driving a carefully restored classic car from the 50s. So this rant has been on my mind all day "Dear guy on the side of the road, you don't get to be surprised when your car which is 70 years old breaks down. It is 70 years old."

The Day the Blender Died

2010-03-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

I've been writing about cooking a lot lately. I guess I've just been craving food that hasn't been invented yet. My thought process today was:

Thought 1: I want food that isn't invented yet
Thought 2: Maybe I want hummus
Thought 3: I don't know what hummus is
Thought 4: Maybe thats what I want
Thought 5: I don't have tahini or a food processor
Thought 6: I don't know what either of those things are
Thought 7: I don't know what curry is either so I'll substitute that
Thought 8: The blender is like a food processor right? Like it can crush ice.
Thought 9: I guess not. Ok, my next purchase will be a ninja food chopper.

Dear Life,

2010-03-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that you will throw things in my path that I'm not prepared for and don't necessarily like. I've come to accept that. I just ask that one of those things be spared. Whether it's on an airplane, on a date, at a boy's house or just in front of my own TV 3 years from now please make sure that I don't see even a snippet of 'Hot Tub Time Machine'. I'm pretty sure my brain would melt.

xoxoxo

Sarakastic

Confessions of a Bookaholic

2010-03-11T12:07:00.001-08:00

Whenever I pick up a book when I know I should be doing something else I hear Mrs. Hammond from Anne of Green Gables scold about those "fool books of yours".

New Adventures From the Cooking Room

2010-03-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

When I go into the cooking room it is always an adventure. I have this way of unconsciously combining materials to make science in such a way that is not really tasty and possibly hazardous. People always tell me that I should learn to cook. It's not that I can't cook it's just that I can't cook well.

I was very excited that I had made a soup that I have been eating all week. I was cleaning out the pot when I noticed that just the soft spray of the faucet was brushing away all of the Teflon. This happened en mass. Apparently I created some sort of nuclear reaction, which I've been eating for the past week. There is not even a slight flake of Teflon left on the pan. Science: 1 Culinary Skills and Humanity: 0

A week ago, I really fell in love with some orange plates just because they were orange. However, I already have orange and yellow and blue plates so it really didn't seem prudent to buy yet another one. However, it was just so pretty that I had to buy something from the set. So, I got home and I thought, “I don't know what this is.”

It is one of those big porcelain spoon shaped thingies that you put next to your stove. Does anyone know what this is called? Also, now that I actually own one of these things I want to know the purpose. Sure, it keeps the toxic soup from eating away your countertop, but then you have to wash your nameless spoon thingy instead of the counter. Does that really make life easier? I really hope that this is called a tureen or a trivet because I have always wanted to own either one of these things even though I don't know what they are.

A Sarakastic Approved List

2010-02-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

Things to say when you walk outside and your windshield is broken in two for no apparent reason (I didn't even have a rock chip.):

I need magical windshield elves.
But...but...I'm a nice girl who has a vendetta against me?
That is not awesome.
Where is Luke?
Well, I guess for a wedding present my brother is getting the peace of mind of knowing his sister has a windshield.

Things to say to windshield fixing guy:

Look, I know I call my car "lady buggy" because I'm a lady and it's a buggy but get real here. I googled it I know how much it should cost.

Dear Dryers Ice-cream Company,

2010-02-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

It's a weird day to be single. People act like I should be sad. Really I'm happy knowing that I didn't settle for a non-ninja who couldn't punch sharks in the face and really didn't love antique architecture. Some of them are very wary of me because I'm basically the only single girl in my small town. They always look at me like I've been showing them pictures of the fashion show I put on with my fourteen cats dressed up like Victorian Dolls. (Alas, I'm afraid of cats.)

There are certain advantages to being single; the main one being double churned strawberry cheesecake Dryers ice-cream that is low(er) in fat. If I were with someone I would probably feel bad about digging through the carton trying to find the veins of pie crust and leaving the rest of the ice-cream untouched. Ok, so I probably wouldn't feel bad about it but there would be arguments and the phrase "pie hussy" would be tossed around.

It says right on your label that this flavor is only available for a limited time. I don't know how long that is but I'm planning on staying single for the duration. If you ever make a flavor just called "pie" without all the annoying fruit I'll pretty much be single forever. Happy Abba Jabba!

Saracastic.

Why My Template is Still the Same

2010-02-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't changed this blog template in a long time. I like the cartoon templates just because I feel that it eases the harshness of my words. Besides this avatar has a pink computer and I have a pink computer. (Granted, I only bought a pink computer just so my brothers wouldn't try and make me trade for their desktops. I really wanted an orange one.)

The cartoons soften my image so passing visitors don't punch their computer screens. So I was somewhat intrigued by this template and just can't decide whether to stay with the old one or try out the new one. I feel like I would have to change my tagline to "My avatar is hotter than I am". I mean I have brown hair and a turquoise shirt but I've never worn white pants. In a very generous artists' interpretation that could be me. However, I just tried to stand like that and I fell over.

Insights Into Why I'm Single (but still very, very awesome)

2010-01-28T21:34:00.001-08:00

Yes, we finally have one more clue. Besides the fact that whenever I meet a cute guy who speaks Italian I say "Oh I do too". Really sometimes I just type captchas on blogs and sometimes they sound Italian. Apparently, other people can tell the difference and it really isn't funny to anyone who is not me. Lesson learned the hard way.

Well, after about a year I decided to log into the dating site that I previously mocked mercilessly. While browsing through profiles I came across two men that I was really tempted to message, even though I've never done that before. I never really thought I'd message anyone. Usually I just go on there to feel better about my singleness, but these two men really got my attention.

First thoughts upon seeing Guy #1's Picture:

Wow he has misused Photoshop horribly. He has blue eyes and the rest of the picture is black and white. Maybe he has laser eyes. He could like make frozen waffles whenever he wants. I am intrigued.

Immediate thoughts upon seeing Guy #2's Picture.

Eh. Blond. No discerning features or funny profile remarks. Wait a minute, wait just a minute. That door he is standing in front of is awesome. I wonder where it is. That's probably like the coolest door I've ever seen in my life. Maybe that's what I'll call him in my head "guy who stands in front of doors". I wonder if that's enough to build a relationship on, a love of intricate passageways.

New Rules for Saradelphia

2010-01-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

I've added a new Saradelphia law: If you are starting a band, especially a band that isn't very good and needs a lot of practice and seems to be a blend of punk and opera, you can't live in an apartment building. Since I haven't taken over the entire world yet I've just started coming up with funny names for the band downstairs such as:

Toenail in the Head
Destruction Milkshake
Migraine Inducing Melodies

If I was in Elementary School Again

2010-01-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could do elementary school over again. Instead of being shy I would have showed my sense of sarcasm. I remember a string of years where the assigned essays were always about recycling and reducing waste. If I had to do those essays over again it would go like:

When going green global planning is important. Otherwise Bear Grylls won't have any styrofoam to build a raft out of when he's taping Man vs. Wild. Also, he should really put a disclaimer on the beginning of his show that says "All animals were harmed during the filming of this show".

What elementary school essays would you rewrite?

Unrelated Sarcastic Thoughts

2010-01-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

I do not know if I will ever have children but I do know this. If I do ever have kids they will not be going through the "Your Baby can Read" system. I don't care if it's good for them, reading babies is just creepy. That informational gives me more nightmares then all horror movies combined.

I was once at an all you can eat buffet when an older gentleman approached me and announced that I was eating food that could kill me. I was like "Duh, I'm at an all you can eat buffet." He then went on to say that I was eating the most dangerous food in the world that his doctor had said had caused his need for triple bypass surgery. I said "Duh, it's fried shrimp." No, no it was not the fried shrimp but the few seemingly harmless coconut flakes that had been fried into the shrimp. According to AOL Health:

Ounce for ounce, coconut oil delivers more saturated fat than butter, lard, or margarine.

I always thought that a coconut was a fruit or something good for you because it comes from nature. Now I know that nature wants me dead.

This was probably my favorite conversation last week. I was talking with a friend about deer hunting and how the kids in Utah get a day off from school for it but they say it's for an autumn festival or something. Back when I was a kid on our school calenders it was just marked "Deer Hunt". This started a debate about whether or not bow hunting or gun hunting was more humane. (I voted for no hunting.) I was fascinated to learn all about the different permits and tags required for each and that you had to get special tags to hunt in certain areas in this weird lottery. My immediate response was "What kind of tags do Ninjas have to get?"

Just Get Married Part 2

2009-12-27T13:44:00.000-08:00

By far the post that gets the most search engine traffic on my blog is the post where I reveal how I answer commands to "just get married". It's hard to believe that it's been over two years since I wrote that and that it's only gotten worse. Now I get a lot of "I don't see why no one would marry you." (Yes, being single and 27 in Utah is that big of a deal that virtual strangers will impart such advice.) Most of the time it doesn't bother me. I love my life and my freedom and not dealing with jerks on a daily basis.

It's worse around the holidays when I get to peer into the best parts of couple-dom at holiday parties and social gatherings. It's compounded by the fact that this guy felt the need to call and tell me that he was dating a Russian girl who is better than me in every way. In a way it was reaffirming because I didn't feel jealously as much as I just felt disinterested. I don't know why exes always make those "I'm just calling out of the blue to tell you that you suck" phone calls. Plus, I was just trying to put together a shoe rack by myself and I don't care what the box says it's impossible. Life is never lonelier than when you are trying to assemble a shoe rack.

This has prompted a thorough retrospective of "Did I miss the one? Was he there and I discounted him over something stupid?" Sure half of me can logically say that I haven't met the one otherwise I'd be with him. Yet the tiniest sliver of me worries that maybe parking in dark allies so my date can hide his car from the repo man isn't such a big deal. There are some cases that are clear cut. I still felt that I did the right thing by leaving when a perfectly normal looking guy who appeared very well read divulged that he had a swastika tattoo but that it didn't mean anything. (Also known as the time I accidentally dated a nazi or possibly a neo nazi. I didn't stop to ask.) Then there's the iffy cases like was I wrong to make a big deal out of a guy eating baby squid even though I'm fine with calamari, these were babies?

The final analysis came up favorable. I strive to be surrounded by comfort and beauty and peace. I scratched the interior of my car hauling a 100+ year old dresser home because it was pretty and not haunted. I carefully calculate who my friends will be by the number of Arrested Development and ninja references they make and how much they resemble a Gilmore Girls character. I drive 10 minutes out of the way to go to a Chinese dollar store because they sell generic Windex that says on the bottle "Totally Awesome Window Clean". Why then would I settle on the biggest choice in my life that will decide my future in almost every aspect? The next time someone asks why I didn't get married I'll just reply confidently that I haven't met anyone amazing enough...yet.

If I Ruled the World: Christmas Edition

2009-12-19T16:01:00.000-08:00

If I ruled the world there would be a law that there would be massive flash mob dances everyday. It would also be a diplomatic tool, like whoever can organize the largest number of people who will freeze in a grocery store for ten minutes wins the dispute.

Also as part of my qualifications I give you the anti Charlie Brown Christmas recession tree of awesomeosity decorated for around $7 filled with items from the dollar store and that I made in the cooking room.

Recession Confusion

2009-12-02T17:57:00.000-08:00

So I was trying to save money today at the store. I skipped the deoderant that claimed that it could give me softer under arms in less then 30 days. Then I started wondering just how soft my underarms were and how they aged, but no it's a recession, I'll be frugal.

Somehow I ended up in that dangerous no man's land between the men and women deodorants. I picked up something Arm and Hammer and left. Now that I'm home I'm pretty sure that I'm wearing mens deodorant. I have to say that it works a lot better than womens deodorant. Although men probably don't worry about their underarm softness. The very confusing part is that it's an invisible solid. Do men wear invisible solids? My deodorant is having a gender crisis.

Be Thankful You Aren't at My Apartment

2009-11-24T17:27:00.000-08:00

As the season of gratitude nears you should all be thankful that you aren't coming over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. This is unless you are in fact coming over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner in which case I'd highly recommend that you cancel and quickly. Trust me, if I wasn't me I would cancel on me.

I don't know exactly how I made squash look/smell and taste like sulfur but I did. I wasn't trying to, just some chemistry or science happened while I wasn't looking. While I was feeding it to the garbage disposal it took on such a pungent smell that I had to distract myself so I wouldn't' get sick. This was the line that my thoughts took:

"Just don't think about it pretend you are in Hawaii"

"If this is what Hawaii is like which I doubt then I hate Hawaii"

"Ok then think about something that is almost as bad but at least you can handle it"

"Just pretend it's a dirty diaper. Dirty diaper. Dirty diapers are gross but its better than this."

Going Green Seeing Red

2009-11-19T16:36:00.000-08:00

My apartment was designed around energy efficiency. I'll admit that this wasn't why I rented it. I rented it because it was super pretty. I don't hate mother earth or anything, I was all for it at first. I have come to realize that "energy efficient" means "absolutely no sunlight". It was ok though because then I could blame the houseplant dying on the lack of sunlight. It was an alibi.

My biggest grip have been the light bulbs. At first I liked the idea that I wasn't supposed to buy new light bulbs or change the light bulbs. I can handle that. The problem is that these light bulbs don't give off actual light. They are like hybrids of compact florescent so is like one compact bulb inside another light bulb. If I actually want to see in a room I have to turn the lights on fifteen minutes in advance. It starts out as acting as a night light and then eventually gets brighter. It takes about 45 minutes to reach maximum brightness where I can distinguish the color of items. This is not energy efficient because the lights are on longer. Once I recharge the batteries in my camera I will take a series of time lapse shots to show just how ridiculous it is.

Dear Santa 2009

2009-11-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

The last few years I have asked for protection against robotic lawnmowers and real life furbies. Maybe, it's the recession but this year, I want actual stuff. Oh no, not just any stuff. I want awesome stuff. For your consideration are:

The ninja master prep blender and food processor. Yes, I already have a fancy blender that works for all of my food processing needs. No, I do not have that many food processing needs. However, I fell in love with the infomercial. As far as I can tell it's just a regular food processor that has the word ninja on it. Good enough for me. However I just love the phrases "ninja technology" and "ninja blade technology". Finally we have harnessed the awesomeness of ninjas into kitchen appliances. My current blender is not a ninja and therefore not good enough. Also, I suspect that whoever came up with this marketing campaign would be a suitable spouse for me. Please introduce us Santa.

These are not shoes that I would ever actually wear but I want them anyways. I was recently introduced to the word "shootie". I guess it's half boot half shoe. I don't think I'd want to marry whoever came up with that word. My money is on the ninja marketing campaign guy. I just want a pair so whenever someone says "I like your shoes." I can say "Excuse me, they are shooties."

Just Because I'll Never Get to Say it Again

2009-10-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

I had one of those slow motion moments today where I half wished that I had a video camera. You know those times when you just can't prevent an action fast enough while you scream "noooooo" mentally? I was sitting in my car looking at a salad in a parking lot. I too, was wondering why there was a salad in a parking lot. I knew it was from Cafe Rio, I recognized the huge tinfoil salad plate and the accompanying side of dressing. I was mostly confused why someone chose not to finish the salad because it is notoriously yummy. I was even more confused as to why that person then placed it perfectly in the middle of a parking space with the dressing cup right next to it.

Perhaps the vegetarian hoodlum had a clue as to what would happen next. A nicely washed car pulled up and ran over the salad while I watched in horror. The ranch splashed everywhere and the girl was completely clueless as to what she hit. I was too frozen to mutter "You just ran over a salad" because I didn't want her to think I was somehow connected to the ranch dressing debacle. I wish I had rolled down the window and said "You just ran over a salad." because I'll never get to say that again. Excuse me now while I go form my new band "salad in a parking lot."

Tweezer Confessions

2009-10-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

Usually I make fun of people and we all have a good laugh. Except today because today I was one of those people. My ergonomic tweezers weren't working out. Yes, I bought ergonomic tweezers, as if that will somehow keep me from getting carpal tunnel syndrome when I don't even have an ergonomic keyboard. You know the keyboard that I type at 40+ hours a week? Yeah, that one. So the ergonomic-ness of the tweezers prevents any actual tweezing and I never really thought I looked like Brooke Shields until I bought them. So I headed over to the store, thinking how smart I am. I'm the girl who is no longer going to depend on ergonomic tweezers.

I brought my new purchase home, so proud of myself. As I was happily forming my eyebrows to look less like a Sesame Street character it hit me. I had become one of those people I constantly make fun of. What had I bought? Comfort grip tweezers with extra wide plastic handles. That's right, comfort grip. As I rip the hair from my face I don't want my fingers to hurt, makes perfect sense.

List of Things I can Never Get Right

Dating
Tweezers

So Close and Yet So Very Far

2009-10-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

One of the downsides to being as sarcastic as I am is that I rarely find people that I would want to date. I can usually imagine all of the things that will annoy me about a person before I ever speak with them. If I do speak with them, well things go down hill from there.

So, I was somewhat intrigued when I found myself staring at a boy on a bus. We will call him bus boy for sake of this blog post, even though that probably isn't his profession. I looked at him and I thought "He does not look annoying." I probably haven't had such a complimentary thought about a male all summer. It was early in the morning, so I was going to forgive him when he pulled some food out of his backpack to start eating it...even though he was under the sign that said do not eat on the bus. I was so proud of myself for turning over a new leaf, seeing past insignificant flaws. Then, bus boy started eating green onions. Green onions...plain...at 7:30 am...just stalks of green onions. Everyone who got on the bus would look around like what is that smell? There are some things I can overlook but I'm adding "Does not eat green onions plain for breakfast in enclosed public spaces" to the list of what I want in a mate. Oh well, at least it's better than the time I had a crush on the guy who is obsessed with drinking his own urine.

Just Say No

2009-10-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

The next time the farmer at the farmer's market gives you a free pepper with your purchase, just say no. Even if you clarify by asking if the pepper is hot and he denies it, just say no. He said the name of the pepper but of course I don't remember. It sounded harmless but it should really be called either 1. evil pepper or 2. the pepper of death.

I attempted to cook today and for once I had thought that I'd escaped injury. Then a few hours later my hand started burning...intensely. I thought "Hmm my hand doesn't usually do that, something must be wrong" So I looked at my hand and it looked like well.. my hand.. it wasn't red, just the feeling that it was being boiled in acid. Then I remembered the pepper. How am I supposed to know not to touch the seeds of a pepper even if it's not a hot pepper? The Internet seems to agree that dipping your hand in sourcream is the best thing but I'm pretty sure that this is just a sick joke that the internet made up to make people look silly. Sorry for all of the typos but my other hand is in a bucket of sour cream.

Sarakastic the Benevolent

2009-09-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been using my sarcasm for good instead of evil. I make up stories about people in my brain to make them look better instead of just excusing them as the jerks that they probably are. For instance:

There is one bus driver who never puts up her name plate. I think this is because she's bad at her job and she knows it. Nameless bus driver can't get complaints if no one knows how to report her. She yells at the passengers to the point that they flip her off. Most of the time I'll just skip her bus and wait for the next one. Now I'm pretending that she made her name plate into a raft for an injured squirrel so he could visit his ailing grandmother downstream.

I make money writing web content for other people. I can't say my favorite made up words and I have to stick to subjects and styles that I don't necessarily like. I try to be good at my job, but grammar isn't my thing, sarcasm is. Every once in awhile the editors will get in a group and just rip my work apart. It happens to everyone in the business, but I take it personally because I know that I am hiding how awesome I am just to make money. I've decided it's because I'm so beloved that hundreds of people fight in an office wearing armor made from Styrofoam coffee cups to decide who can be my editor. They are so tired by the time that one of them is crowned the victor, with the ninja kicks and what not, that of course they are a little bit terse. Then they leave me comments like "Your writing needs less gee gaws" (On a non-benevolent side note I don't know what a gee gaw is, but I'm blaming it for the noise my car makes.)

Of course, with all of this good will it means I can be more evil. Ya know, balance and what not. So I've been spending my day telling foreign tourists that it's very bad manners "in American" to snap gum. It probably isn't, Americans probably invented gum smacking, but it annoys me.

A fit of domesticity

2009-09-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

I just googled "How to Mop", it is as boring as it's always sounded. I thought that I pretty much could figure out the process, but wanted to make sure. Swiffer is taking over the world. That is one of the things that I should never share with the world but somehow blog about. Please don't tell my mother.

You Know You Live in Utah When...

2009-09-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

I was sorting through an envelope full of coupons that I got in the mail for local businesses. You know "Buy one overpriced pizza get a free topping" kind of thing. I flipped to the next coupon and there it was..."free gun". I'm not joking. If you take the coupon in and buy a rock chip coat thing for your car, you get a free new 9mm handgun provided that you pass a background check. I do not even want to know why an auto repair place has a surplus of handguns to give away, but I'm pretty sure I won't be taking my car in there anytime soon. That pairing is both random and scary.

Really?

2009-09-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

I was quickly scanning through the grocery flier and thought "Wow, that's a really great price for seedless watermelon. It's too good to be true." Yes, I am cynical about all things, so even when I see fruit on sale I go back to check. Sure enough, it was seedED watermelon. Apparently we have to distinguish between the two now. Gone are the days of watermelon and seedless watermelon. At least it's not seedy.

Sarakastic the Brave

2009-08-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Trying to escape a drunken row my neighbors were having at "before the sun is awake" a.m. I decided to go hiking. I had heard of this thing called "the sunrise" before and decided to check it out. So after spending half an hour getting ready because I never go into nature without jolly ranchers I opened the door. There was a tarantula crawling up my stairwell about a foot away from my head. I don't know what the proper protocol is for a tarantula sighting. I hope it's running back into the house, locking the door, calling everyone I know at 6am, watching youtube videos about tarantulas eating cats and refusing to leave the house ever again.

I've always championed waiting to marry a boy I actually liked instead of settling but I'll admit in this moment I wish I had married one of those loser guys. Any of those loser guys. The apartment manager says that these particular tarantulas don't have mouths big enough to bite and that they will spray. So I'll probably never see one again, and if I do it's really no more harmful than a pipe cleaner, but they look so scary. I try to tell myself that s/he is someone's parent and has a heart of gold that the outward appearance has to protect. S/he probably coaches intramural soccer for underprivileged spiders on the weekend. I'm also turning it into an unofficial holiday. If you see a tarantula you get to take off work and eat brownies and basically do whatever you want. So Happy First and Hopefully Last Tarantula Day!