My New Third Wheel Sweatshirt

Mossimo® Women's Long Sleeve Sweatshirt w/ Nailhead Ampersand Sign -Aqua

I saw this sweatshirt at Target and it had a giant metal ampersand on it. Honestly, the first thing I thought was "Who would buy that?"* Then I realized that person was me.

There's just so many things that can be done with it. I could stand between peanut butter and jelly or mustard and ketchup. Maybe I'll get a gig on someone's wedding announcements as the & part of Mr. & Mrs. I hope my career counselors in high school read this and find out that I have amounted to something after all.

*This isn't saracasm I really do own this now.

Famous Last Words

I was thinking about all of the essays I had to write in school about what I wanted my obituary to read. I think a much better assignment would've been "What do you want your last words to be?" I hope that life leads me in a direction that I live a long life and my last words would be said surrounded by my family and friends. I just hope I have lived the kind of life where I can say "There's a map hidden..."

Also, I finally discovered the perfect way to answer the question "Why aren't you married?" (Well, the PERFECT way is that I'm waiting for a ninja, but this one can be used by everyone else). The best way to answer that question is "I'm difficult to get along with.". You're welcome.

Price Hikes

I read an article awhile back that said that gas should cost $5 a gallon because then we would be FORCED to be more energy conscious. I did not like this concept at the time, but now I'm hoping that it happens in another area.

I have had Nutella once or twice before and didn't think it was a big deal. Then my Mom sent an unopened jar home with me and now I get why probably 28% of Pinterest is made up of Nutella recipes (That's a rough estimate). I haven't done any price comparisons but I hope that this stuff is more expensive than caviar so I can't buy it all the time. I'm usually pretty health conscious but suddenly it's "Nutella all the food!"

Why Don't They...

I really enjoy all of the politically correct princess movies that have come out in the last few years. It seems like the princess never gets saved anymore. She saves the prince, or she saves herself, or she works as a team to save everyone. As an actual princess who leans slightly feminist, I appreciate this.

The one part of the story that remains untouched though is that the evil queen (or stepmother depending on the fairy tale) still dies.  To me the more modern version should be they should teach her how to love, set her up with a Match.com profile, and help her retire to Florida. What do you think should happen to the evil queen?

My Quicksand

I saw this quote on Tumblr about how the things that you think are going to be problems when you grow up never really are, such as quicksand.

Here is my list of things that I thought were going to be much bigger problems than they turned out to be:

1. I was afraid of snake babies crawling up through the toilet which was an idea planted in my head by my brothers.

2. Worried about the ceiling fan coming unhinged and chasing me around the house.

3. I thought the only option for me was to move into an exact life size replica of my dollhouse. It's what grown ups did. I must've seen this in a movie. Seeing as my dollhouse was hot pink and lacked both external walls and a ceiling I think this one worked out for the best.

4. Thought every woman in the world got to walk down a spiral staircase in a floor length evening gown while the rest of the room gazes up at her.

What I didn't worry about but turned out to be a much bigger problem:

5. You got to marry your true love. This wasn't a process that took a long time or any amount of work. For some women they might have thought that they were in love with someone when really they were meant to be with their best friend who was supporting them through the relationship with the wrong guy circa every movie made in the 1980s. However, that's as complicated as it got. Two guys to choose from, that was it. Plus, one was usually inherently evil and the other one was the love of your life so it was a pretty obvious choice. There were never 2 inherently evil guys, or 0 guys, or 20 guys who weren't interesting or interested.

I was right about this one kind of "The first day that I'm grown up I'm going to get a real walkie talkie where the sound is clear and I don't have to put batteries in every 5 seconds, and I can walk for miles and miles without going out of range". My cell phone fits at least part of that.

Also, I've never had to run across a wooden/rope bridge while planks fall off of it or it swings in the air. Ever. What did you think was going to be a huge problem when you were an adult that never really happened?

Numbers...

Number of times I thought I would need to remove pen marks from my microsuede couch: 0

Number of times I have actually removed pen marks from my microsuede couch: 9

Number of non-working pens versus working pens in my apartment: 7:2

I need to go see if Ghostwriter is on DVD.

Go Eat Makeup

Because....

Because I can’t tell their mothers; I'm choosing to tell the internet. Keep in mind this all happened today, on the same 20 mile stretch of road.

I was blissfully in the middle of town with two lanes of traffic but we were going along pretty fast; at least 45. Then the car in front of me threw a can out his driver's side window; into traffic; not to the curb. The cars behind me stopped quickly enough that I was also able to stop; while trying not to duck knowing it wouldn't help my car to do so. The buggy and I are both safe.

Now because I live in a delightful and peaceful small town my insults and comebacks aren't what they used to be. All I could think of to say was "I'm a pacifist I can't do crap"; as well as "That person needs a Zen garden. It would really help lower their blood pressure too".

Incident #2: I was going four miles over the speed limit like I always do because someone told me once that a cop pulls you over at five miles over not four. Doubt this is true but I've never been pulled over. A big truck came up behind me out of nowhere easily going 25-30 over. I was close to a car in front of me going exactly the speed limit so I slowed down; slightly relieved that it wasn't my fault that this mad man couldn't go so fast. We continued on this way for exactly a block. The car in front of me pulled over at the next available spot to let us pass even though they were going the speed limit.

I continued going the speed limit and waved my hand politely since I know the road well and know that this is the guy's one chance to pass so he can go super fast. He flipped me off as he passed. Then he pulled over onto the side of the road to kick up dirt for the next block, like it was so dusty I couldn’t see and didn't know if I was about to get in a rumble...FOR GOING THE SPEED LIMIT. He turned off the road, well the side of the road, a block later. He could've sat there politely and obeyed the law for one block, but why do that?

To you sir, I say what I saw on an e-card a few weeks ago "You should go eat makeup so you'll be pretty on the inside".

The First Quarter of Awesome

Here's just a quick check in on how my year of the awesome is going thus far. I've been pretty busy at work so most of the awesome things I've tried have been inspired by Pinterest. Ironically signing up for a Pinterest account isn't something I've actually done yet.

1. I tried to de-oxidize the headlights of my car using toothpaste. It did not work but at least now I know that it does not work.

2. I spent about a week wishing that it was 1950 simply for the gas stations. Then I felt like a horrible feminist. I had to put air in the tires of my car and not only was I clueless about how to do this; so was everyone else. If it was 1950 it never would've been a problem. Now I know how to do that which feels awesome.

3. I made fries out of avocados to alleviate the problem I have of only being able to eat half an avocado. I thought the texture was going to be the one "off" thing about this. However, when I finished the recipe I remembered that I don't like the bitter taste that avocados take on when baked.

 Awesome Things Left to Do: Since I work from home every day is casual Friday. However, I want to implement "dress up like you're from the 1950's" Friday. If only I had a dress with a large circumference.

I'm redoing my bathroom decor as part of my 30th birthday present to myself. I need some artwork to go in there that is well...awesome. This is where I’m open to suggestions and need help. I have absolutely no artwork up in my apartment because I'm not really an IKEA print girl. Everything just seems so soulless and lifeless to me. On the other hand I'm very adamant that whatever I pick out actually not have a soul or be haunted. I refuse to budge on that point.

What awesome stuff have you done lately?

Dear Shirts,

I'm not buying any more of you until you shape up. It's bad enough that everything has an elasticized peasant bottom or drop waist. Yippee, finally women everywhere can look more like Santa.

My big problem is with the arms. I don't know exactly what a dolman sleeve is but I do know that it probably means "What happens when every fashion designer in America accidentally turns in drawings from their 5 year old." That is exactly how a kid draws a shirt, with no armpits. For years, I've had to worry that there's a gap between low rise jeans and tee shirts. Then it was the scoop necks that could possibly be low on top. I expect this but now I also have to worry about lifting my arm at all because the sleeves are wide enough to see through to everything else. I have never heard a woman say "Geeze I wish my upper arms and chest were more connect-y".

Sincerely,

Sarakastic

Dear TV,

Please stop reading me the internet. Stop scrolling twitter feeds across my screen constantly or telling me what fellow facebook users say about the news. If I wanted to be on the internet I'd be on the internet. I can read the news faster than you can say it and whenever I want to. I don't care what Jamie0376 from Wisconsin h8s. I care about what actually happened. Plus, I can also use funny voices in my head when I read it. I watch the news because I expect you to actually do reporting or add something instead of just creating a conglomeration of what I'm dubbing "the poor man's internet".

Sincerely,

Sarakastic

It Could Be Worse...

At my age I feel like I'm running out of ways to say that whatever awkward social meeting I'm at could get any worse or weirder. (Social meeting is code for date but the word date is taken away after some seemingly normal looking guy always says something like "I need to tell you something")

However, Marisa Tomei in an independent film that I'm not mentioning because it wasn't entirely good gave me a new perspective. The absolutely worst thing that someone can say on a date is:

"I need to tell you something...I'm from the future"

Lawyered

My grocery store is pretty pricy. So in order to curb this I walk to it. I always figure "Hey, I won't get more than I can carry"...which is true in theory. So today my arms were killing me because milk was on sale stupid on sale milk. Later I was talking about this with my mom.

Mom "You could just get one of those carts like grandma used to use"

Me "Whenever I think of spinsters I think of those carts. That's like the crossover line".

Mom "Kate Middleton was almost as old as you when she got married"

Me "Have you ever seen Kate Middleton with one of those carts? Lawyered"

The Year of the Awesome

With my powers as princess of everything I am officially declaring it the year of the awesome. Sometimes I hesitate to do things for the sake of practicality or time. I've been trying to be even more awesome lately but still financially responsible. I just don't want to put off all of the little things that are easily delayed. If it's at all feasible for me to do something awesome or be more awesome this year; I'm going to do it. Here's a sampling of awesome stuff I've done in the past few months that I hesitated to try at first.

1. I cooked fried squash blossoms even though I didn't really know what they were. Apparently we don't see squash blossoms in markets or restaurants because you have to cook them pretty quickly after you pick them. Also, people would find eating flowers to be weird. They are delicious and totally worth growing squash (at least the blossoms) again next year.

2. I fixed the garbage disposal that had a bobby pin stuck in it. It was one of the few repair jobs that google hasn't been able to help me with because apparently it's never happened to anyone before. If it does happen to you just let me know I'm awesome at fixing it.

3. Smashed a geode open and found a crystal. I don't know why this took me so long or why it's been on my life list; but I did it and I found crystals. If smashing open geodes was a job I would have a calling in life.

What awesome things are you going to do this year?

Because I Don't Have a Pinterest Account

The next 5000 babies I need to buy gifts for will be getting a onesie like this. It says "I just got here and I'm already awesome"

In the Spirit of the Season

In the spirit of the season...I wasn't going to post this. However, it's been rolling around in my head and it has to be said. However, my good will kicked in and I won't post a link to the necklace or the celebrity designer. I can't be any nicer than that no matter what month it is. It's just a gold tone square necklace in free form shapes...but something about it really bothered me. So celebrity designer and you know who you are, your necklace looks like ravioli. Now I feel better.

Bait Bike

I was going to use this as an example of how safe Utah is. When I googled it though there are also similiar programs in Toronto and New York City. The police leave an unlocked or poorly locked bike with a gps on it. Then they follow whoever takes it and arrests them. This is one of the few operations with the word "sting" it that I've heard of in the time I've been here. Anyone else heard of this? There are some advantages to living here, unless you steal bikes. Then you're screwed.

Sherlock Sarakastic

My mom told me that she didn't need my help with the buying of Christmas presents this year. I was relieved because I have many brothers and many nephews. There really aren't a lot of people to buy cute girly stuff for. So I was a little perplexed that she had been able to pick out the same present for all of us; especially since there's a wide range of married and single people as well as ages with my siblings.

Then things became even more curious when she had to make an appointment and drive two hours away to get our presents. The only possible explanation I can come up with is family funeral plots. At least now I'll be able to tell if she thinks I'll ever marry if she buys one plot or two. Possibly there's the whole Gilmore Girls crypt annex conversation coming in my future.

Scary or Cute?

I was on the bus last week and could feel a guy looking at me. I didn't look back because I've been in such shock lately from all of the non-ninjas that this planet has to offer. I was on the bus first and sat on the first seat on the left. He sat opposite of me on the right. We took off hats and gloves totally in synch. He was wearing orange and I couldn't remember why I had stopped that. We both took out brightly colored ipod headphones at the same time. Mine were pink; his were red. It was an exact mirror image, so I couldn't help but smile.

We spent the morning together. He gave me what I'm sure is a fake name but that was ok because I gave him one too. We walked around and talked about our favorite indie bands. I kept my hand on my mace; trying to figure out why he was different. Then it struck me. He was the only person I've met who is happier than me; and therefore better at life.

He was passing through town on kind of a tour of the country. Both of us taking time out of our conversation to smile at other people and be friendly. We saw a rock that looked like a face so we stopped and built it eyes and a mouth.

We talked a lot about the people he had met and he showed me pictures on his iphone. He got to one of me on the bus when I had refused to look at him before I had talked to him. He said "This is why I'm spending time with you". I couldn't decide if it was stalkery or sweet. I asked him why he took it and he said because I was pretty and I still don't know how to take that.

We ate lunch and sent the salsa back twice for having grapes in it until one of the other waiters explained to our waiter that they had started putting grapes in the salsa. Then we exchanged numbers and he left on another adventure. Now, as a long term person or even a friend; he would drive me insane...just too drifter-y. He texted me a few times and then I texted back and then he didn't text anymore and that was ok...this story isn't so much about him.

It was significant because until that morning I hadn't realized how forced my life is; how much I pay attention to manners....how long the search for a ninja has been. I spend too much time going over and over why things don't work; when really I just need to know that they don't work. All of a sudden a guy showed up and talking to him and being around him was just easy in a way that all of the dating I've done has not been. Since I make up stories for people that are probably better than their actual lives I can only assume that he's out there somewhere swimming in a pool of glitter.

This is a Thing Now

The Snuggie was bad enough. Now it's the Forever Lazy. Really? We're struggling as a country right now and what we need is to BUY something to make us lazier? First off, if you're going to make footsie pajamas; make footsie pajamas. You don't need accompanying fuzzy socks. This would actually prevent things from riding up as you slept.




My favorite part of the commercial is when a guy is walking into a staduim bathroom while the voice over talks about the convenient zippers for when "duty calls". I hear "doodie calls" every time they say it. Who are these people that find it so difficult to wear clothes?

How to Not Keep a Secret

About a year ago I was in a store and saw this faux book and thought "Oh. I should buy that, I always have books laying around. No, if I do that everyone will know it's a fake book. Plus, it doesn't even have Trainspotting written on it. Wait, people will know it's a faux book so they will know not to look in it". So I bought it.

The last part of that statement has never happened. Everytime someone walks into my apartment that's the first thing they spot, and then they walk right over and open it up. The thought of privacy doesn't enter anyone's mind. More people have seen the spare cell phone cords than when they were on the end table. I feel somewhat bad about it, people are always so excited and feel so smart and full of childlike illusions. I need to figure out something more awesome to put in there so that feeling of discovery doesn't die; maybe I'll write some fake love letters from a ninja....or maybe a treasure map also from a ninja. Ninjas are awesome.