One of the greatest accomplishments I've seen in my time is reality TV.
I think it is so popular because of the allure of seeing the average person do
stupid things to win money and/or gain fame. This always inspires thoughts
of "I'm a person, I could be stupid, I could win lots of money". Then I
remember that I'm not average, I'm poor, but I'm not average. Here is how
my stints on reality television would work out. Insert those wavy dream
sequence lines from television here. If you can actually see those lines,
you really should have a dr. look into that.
Sarakastic on Survivor Island: Suggest to producers surprise twist of
installing a bathroom on the island. Throw all of our food supply of rice
in ocean yelling "Vote me off already. I've been holding it for 6 hours,
VOTE ME OFF". Constantly vote for first season's Richard in the tribunal.
Sarakastic on Iron Chef: Spend the hour throwing cloves of garlic at
the judges & shuffling around empty pans. For a special trick take out a
yo-yo while screaming it's an iron chef first. Be the first person on the
show to not pretend like Mo Rocca is funny. Go to the judging table & say "I
don't really cook so I thought we could do a potluck. I thought that the
secret ingredient was icky so here are some sourpatch kids. For an added
touch here are some matches, you can set them on fire". Finish by pointing
my finger at the Iron Chef & insisting that I own this kitchen, I own it.
Sarakastic on "The Amazing Race": Insist that we always travel to
Dayton Ohio because it is the only place that my air miles will work. Ask
everyone in Dayton Ohio in a very loud, slow voice if they speak English & if
they have seen any buried treasure. Go to the local gym in Dayton Ohio &
run on the treadmill insisting that I can see the Eiffel Tower moving closer.
Sarakastic in the "Big Brother" house: Invent a housemate named Harold.
Insist that he is always in the bathroom. When other housemates ask me if
I hate them or if I will vote against them say, "Oh, I won't, but Harold thinks
you're a jerk". Form alliances with inanimate objects. Eat peanut
butter & jelly sandwiches, regardless of whether I have to. Be the first
housemate to develop scurvy.
Sarakastic in the "Real World". Win popularity by introducing a chore
chart & showing my housemates pictures of destroyed livers. When other
housemates try to talk about their love lives say "Oh, that's nice, did you
clean the toilet? It's your week". Only utter words about the chore
chart, or about how hard it is to be on reality TV. Make the footage
completely useless by repeating over & over "I don't really feel like confessing
Sarakastic on "The Bachelor": Bring to America's attention the heartbreaking
tale of a bachelorette with allergies. Break out into hives when handed a
rose. Whenever the Bachelor shows up say, "Why do they keep letting people
in the house? What is up with that guy? This is the worst season of
Big Brother ever." Attempt to vote the other girls off the show. When told that it is not a voting show, raise both hands above my head & say "I double vote you off"