Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dear Junk Mail,

I have always been awesome, you have always been junk. Lately, it's gotten worse, I have spam e-mail, some disturbing unsolicited text messages & every once in awhile my fax machine rings at 5:30am with an offer to fly to Florida for $99. Today though, you crossed the line.

It used to be I'd get pretty envelopes or post cards from all ya'll. Here's a credit card Sara. You can put a picture of your dog on it to distract you from the fact that it has a 25% interest rate after six months. Look at the pretty puppy, he's so cute. Here's some car insurance at a super low rate because it doesn't cover anything but there's a convertible on the page. Look it's shiny.

I've been trying to ignore the fact that last year, I moved a box. I am now longer in your desired 18-24 demographic. I am now in the undesirable 25+ who gives a crap about you demographic.

The junk mail though, it shows how you really feel. Today I got my very first offer for life insurance. The letter was devoid of cute pictures, or even old people happily waving from a beach. It basically said "You will die & your family will have to sell your dog to pay for your funeral because you suck."

I'm all for financial planning & letting my family know that when I go I want a casket with airbrushed flames on it. I also want the word awesome to be used at least 65 times in my eulogy, or any derivative like Sara exemplified awesomosity or was wicked awesome. However, the junk mail today was a little harsh, rude awakening party of Sara.

24 to 25 (soon to be 26) should not be such a leap. I'll have you know, junk mail people, that I buy more crap now than I ever have. In fact, I buy deodorant & toothpaste based on the color of the packaging, so they will all match inside the drawer & look cute. If it has sparkles it gets extra points. I know I'm not a grown up because when I was a kid I knew that when I was a grown up I would have a coat rack, & I don't own a coat rack, so back off.

Sincerely,
Loves glitter toothpaste

9 comments:

~Virginia~ said...

just wait until you hit the late 20's...retirement crap up the wazoo!

i think i even got something the other day about plastic surgery for my old lady wrinkles. woe to me.

Alyssa Goodnight said...

A casket with airbrushed flames sounds just perfect!

And I'll leave you with a quote from Kung Fu Panda: 'There is no charge for awesomeness...or attractiveness.' Sounds like a motto...

LEstes65 said...

You are freaking HYSTERICAL!

You don't even want to know about my 42 yr old junk mail. It's just so sad. So very sad.

Barrie said...

Well said, Sara. If they're going to send you info abt life insurance, they should at least put it in a cute envelope and toss in a few coupons for high-class chocolates and a Starbucks coffee. :)

a little bird said...

way to take a STAND. END the bombardment. let's declare war.

Natasha said...

Through some cosmic reality I dont get junk mail anymore, perhaps they think I died... oh well at least I am saving a tree

Alyssa Goodnight said...

I tagged you, if you're interested! I've lost count...

ellesappelle said...

Don't worry, I'm 21 and they're already sending me that!

I have to say though - a casket with airbrushed flames? - you are too cool. Sorry, wicked awesome, the epitome of awesomosity.

olivia mae said...

AGHHH. this is SUCHH a great blogg. :)