Saturday, November 19, 2005

Why I'd rather be a spinster reason #288

I need to preface this story by saying I do not drink. At some point, you will think that I do & that's the explanation for what happened. I don't. However, I may need an exorcism.

There was a boy that I liked, that liked me. It seems like a simple enough tale, but for me it was incredible. I once had a male friend over for dinner & laughed & talked & he left. My roommate then replied "You didn't yell at him or hit him or anything." So to find a boy that I liked that who liked me back was truly remarkable. It was even more remarkable as months past & I still didn't hate him or kick him or move to a different city & assume a new identity.

Then one night he said "Now I don't want you to make a big deal out of this." That is what guys say when they know they are going to do something stupid but they just hope you don't notice. He then went on to explain that an 18 year old girl was coming over from Russia to see America. Everything started crumbling in my head as he went on to say that she'd be staying at his apartment & he'd stay elsewhere. It just didn't add up. If you want to see America, you go to Hollywood & stalk Tom Cruise or New York & stalk Richard Gere, but the stalking of celebrities is involved. The only reason you would come here is to see a boy that you liked. I don't know if you know this about me, but I am not Russian, or 18.

Then something happened that had never happened before. I cried. Well, I've cried before but never in front of a boy or about a boy. Certainly never in front of a boy about a boy. I went to wipe away my tears & noticed that my hand came back red. My foreignness to crying had triggered a nose bleed. While I tried to get that under control the boy went on to say that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Meanwhile my brain was calculating, maybe this really is nothing. Then a light came on & I thought if he really cared about me there would be something in his head that would say that 18 year old Russians should not live at his apartment for an unspecified period of time because that would upset his girlfriend. He would not be trying to convince me that he is right while I am bleeding & crying. It just felt wrong to me, no matter how much he talked.

The sudden crashing down of my world made me queasy & before I knew it, I was throwing up. At this point I pictured that Scottie guy from Star Trek saying "Salt water is coming out of her eyes, all systems go abandon ship abandon ship." So with the bloody noise & the crying & the vomiting all at the same time being so absurd, I just started laughing. The laughter of course, brought more vomiting.

I don't know if all men say this in the course of a break up, or if I just date a very highly developed breed of jerk. He said, like they always say "You'll end up alone & spend the rest of your life wondering if we were meant to be." It was the best break up ever, because I can never doubt it. I don't know a lot about love, I couldn't tell you how to make a relationship work but I know this: if a boy upsets you so much that you cry, have a nose bleed, vomit, laugh hysterically, then vomit again, you probably shouldn't be with him.


Anonymous said...

Oh dear heavens...what guy thinks its ok to have some random girl come live at his place??? And that his gf will be fine with it? That's crazy!At least your body made it very clear how you should feel about it.

Packsaddle said...

That's interesting.

I experience those exact physiological reactions when I balance my checkbook.

~Virginia~ said...

that is insane! i'm so sorry (about your physical reactions, not that you got this obviously undeserving guy out of your life) that happened. hope you've recovered and that things are looking better!

if you're feeling vindictive, i may know a ninja who can cause some serious bodily injury...

Trish Ryan said...

Oh wow. I'm so sorry. And you're so right: it's not too much to ask that you not spurt blood out of your nose or vomit when your man tells you his latest decision in life.

I'd say the bar is well set for the next guy to exceed your expectations :)

Allie said...

Sound advice, I'd say.
Why do we give guys who aren't ninjas a chance?! It's no longer clear to me.

Barrie said...

Hey, are you really okay? That sounds like a very tough experience. xo

heidikins said...

Wow. Just, wow. W.O.W.

Hey, when you know, you know, right?

(I'm so sorry darling, I hope the cry+blood+vomit combo never happens again.)