Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be hipsters

I've always thought that if I was seven years older I would be married by now. Not because 33 is the magical marriage age but because then I could've settled down with some nice grunge rocker who wore flannel shirts all the time.

No No No, Sarakastic had to come of marriageable age in the hipster era. Fine it's out, I'm stereotypical. I like to think that I'm not a prejudiced person, but I seriously can't tell these people apart. I like boys who do not cry when I say something sarcastic. I like TVs. I like people who watch TVs. I like people who shower at least bi weekly. I like boys who have jobs. Guitar hero is not a job. I like people who care about things. I don't even care about what, just everyone should have at least one thing that matters. Care about music, family, religion, or writing, caring about not caring does not count. I like boys with cars. Not gas guzzling SUVs, but not a bike. If hipsters had cars they would be hybrids, which is fine except the way they lord their hybrids over everyone else when my Chevy Malibu gets the exact same gas mileage. Your ideas are not enough reason why I would ever let you live on my couch. Skinny jeans do not grow on trees.

The main problem with hipsters is they hate EVERYTHING. Yes, I know I hate everything too, including hipsters so I'm probably worse. It's just that they've created this subculture where you try to be the same way that everyone else is unique. I hate skinny ties & skinny jeans, & non prescription eyeglasses. I hate those hats that look like they were stolen from a train engineer. I hate that those hats probably have some hipster name. I don't think Dane Cook is funny. I don't know if hipsters like Dane Cook but he's not funny. Probably hipsters hate Dane Cook too & maybe that's what we can unite on.

I hate people who pay more at thrift stores than a retail item would cost. I hate Radiohead. Ok, I like Radiohead, but I like Radiohead because they are awesome not because the dispossessed like Radiohead. I dislike it when people use the phrase "sold out" more than 4 times in a thought process. I hate that hipsters never admit that they are hipsters & that they think that things are ironic when they really aren't. (What if I'm a hipster & I don't even know it?) After speaking out about this subject, I'm afraid to leave the house least the hipsters strangle me with their messenger bags.


~Virginia~ said...

dane cook blows. it's like he's a jim carrey wannabe with all those odd facial expressions. of course, i'm not a big fan of jim carrey either.

what was my point?

crap. i hate it when i do that.

Barrie said...

I'm the #1 commenter which guarantees me good luck for the rest of the day!! Yay! Guitar Hero is not a job?! I must inform my 19 year old!!

JenKneeBee said...

I loathe a certain subset of hipsters known as the hipster music snobs. These are the people who love a band until other people start to love that band which means that they could not possibly keep on loving that band. So annoying.

Trish Ryan said...

Please write a book. Please?
This is one of the best quotes ever:

"Your ideas are not enough reason why I would ever let you live on my couch. Skinny jeans do not grow on trees."

It needs a longer lifespan than the blogsphere!

Alyssa Goodnight said...

That was an inspired rant. But I gotta admit, my favorite line was 'Skinny jeans do not grow on trees.' Is it just me, or do guys not actually look good in skinny jeans? (Not too many girls either IMO).

Gregory said...

I am proud to announce that I do not even know what a hipster is.

I don't even want to know what a hipster is.

Does that make me an underachiever?

It sounds like a car, possibly manufactured by Subaru.

Subaru Hipster.

Stacy said...

I don't object to hipsters, but I wouldn't want to date one. I don't care much for guys who spend more time on their hair than me.

Allie said...

You are so right. Sadly, there is a whole tribe of them overrunning my university. Really I have nothing against their right to express themselves in an incredibly stupid way.
I saw one in a jeans shop the other day who was wearing a BONNET. And not even a pretty one.

LEstes65 said...

I love the guy on SNL who does a Dane Cook imitation. I don't mind Dane Cook but I can't stand his audience.

I have always loved the attempt of non-conformists attempting originality. When I was in college and was oh so original? An older friend observed that everyone at my college looked and talked the same. I was deeply offended and wanted to punch him in the neck. Until I stepped back and saw that we all pretty much DID look and talk the same.

Find me someone original. I promise you it's been done before.