Friday, March 09, 2007

7 Reasons why England Hates Me

It's not that I don't like them. In fact, I'm like that overeager kid who just wants the cool kids to like them back. I admire their sense of humor that borders on cold, their food that borders on disgusting, & their fashion that doesn't match. However, every single person I've met from England, either online or in real life hates me. I'm starting to think that is has more than a little to do with my humor being lost in translation. Here is why I think all of England hates me:

1. I make sweeping generalizations about their food, fashion, & sense of humor.
2. I constantly say, "It was shame all of ya'll couldn't hold onto Canada, guess you just didn't have what it takes, thing we'll be different on my watch, yessirree"
3. I bring up the Revolutionary War....a lot. I say, if you've got it, flaunt it & we have a huge victory over them.
4. My sweeping generalization of English people is that they are very subtle. That's why I don't understand British sitcoms & always wonder why they are laughing. It's a highly evolved sense of humor. I am many things, but subtle is not one of them. One of the reasons for the conflict could be me yelling "It's not funny, why are you laughing?"
5. I make fun of the Queen. Well basically all of the royal family. They are the only people I know with tiaras that are cooler than mine.
6. Promise a list of 7 things & only deliver 6.


LEstes65 said...

No. 2 reminds me of a Kids In The Hall sketch where the queen is on the "tele" trying to make up with Canada.

I have a similar problem in Texas, having just arrived from Boston. Their view of the civil war is a bit different than mine. I learned a while ago not to laugh when people introduce themselves as "I'm so-and-so, third generation Texan." Because they're totally serious.

If all of England hates you, they are hugely missing out!

Anonymous said...

Dang funny! Again! Genius!

Also, make sure to flaunt the War of 1812. That's when England said, "hey...wonder if those nasty little revolutionaries are done with their time out and ready for the crown again?" We won that one too. Because we were really really really sure we wanted to be U.S. rather then a part of them. Oh, and make sure to bring up Ireland. They HATE that!!! It's a real pisser!! HA!

ellesappelle said...

I think most English people make fun of the Queen too - it's just that they're the only ones who are allowed to do it. Rather like how you're the only one who's allowed to harass your little brother.

Stacy said...

Reason #6 could, by itself, explain exactly why I adore you.

I think you should blog about your tiara (assuming you haven't already done so before I started reading your blog).

Alyssiana said...

Probably most English people hate you because you appear to be the epitome of the cliched 'dumb American'.