Monday, May 28, 2007

A compendium

As human beings, we tend to dispense our knowledge slowly, it keeps people coming back for more. I thought I would just get all of that out of the way, & write an entire compendium of my knowledge, some of this I've written about before, but consider this the Princess' guide to a happy life.

1. Susie's Deals is the absolute best place to shop. They have new clothes for $5.99 or less. I've found a lot of old navy, gap, & liz claiborne clothes (even coats) for $5.99 or less. I've refused to move places that don't have this store.

2. If a church group ever invites you to pull a handcart across a mountain because the pioneers did it, just say no.

3. The pork shoes story will get you out of any awkward conversation.

4. If you ever meet a man who finds this joke funny, marry him. Ask him if he has a brother for me. (No, I did not make this joke up although I wish I had)

One day a man walks into a bar. He is perfectly normal, except that he has an orange for a head. The bartender says "Why do you have an orange for a head?". The man starts to tell his story. "I was walking along the beach one day & I saw a lamp. I picked it up & started to clean it off. Out came a Genie. He said that I could have any three wishes that I wanted.

For my first wish, I wished for a beautiful wife & I got a beautiful wife".

For the second wish, I wished for million dollars & I was granted a million dollars."

Expecting some trickery on the part of the Genie, the bartender stops & asks what his third wish.

The man with an orange for a head replies:
"I wished I had an orange for a head".

5. At least once a month use the blockquote feature for no apparent reason.

6. Care truly about at least one thing.

7. Never try to top the orange head joke, it just can't be done & will only leave you looking foolish.

8. Scones in the east are like biscuits/muffins. Scones in the west are fried, tasty blobs of dough that will kill you if you ever try to cook them yourself.

9. Write an autobiography. Translate it into Japanese & then back into English to figure what your life is really all about. (Remember that episode of News Radio, "Then I knew that the super karate monkey death car had come for me"

So that's it kids, that's my compendium of knowledge. This post was inspired by the fact that I really like the word compendium.


LEstes65 said...

I had to go look up 'compendium'. Good word. I will try to use it often.

I will make sure to make life changes to align with your compendium. I have no doubt they will only help me.

And my word verification was 'ivopap'. I'm sure that's significant. But haven't figured out how...

Stacy said...

Thank you, O Wise One.

I have a feeling The Future Mayor may take you up on the orange head joke challenge (and find a man with a brother). Then she'll become your sister-in-law. Once you and The Future Mayor are family, you can come to my house on Thanksgiving and meet the minions.

ellesappelle said...


I will pay particular heed to the handcart one.

Beth said...

What is the pork shoes story? Now I'm curious...
Ok-that joke made me laugh out loud. I will definitely remember it for the future. HA!

Trish Ryan said...

Such wise words! And funny jokes! This blog is the source of so many good things :)