If life were an old timey movie...

1. I wouldn't have to worry that my fake eyelashes would come half way off & trail down my face. That is if I wore fake eyelashes, which I don't because I'm afraid they will come half way off and trail down my face. Plus, there's the possibility that I'll glue my eye shut.

2. Dashing young men wouldn't fart on dates & then laugh.

3. No more of those horrid croc shoes to look at.

4. I would not get asked out on voicemail. If I didn't answer the phone there's probably a reason why.

5. Furniture that isn't made out of saw dust.

6. My hairdresser wouldn't have made me look like Bonnie Hunt when I wanted to look like Kat Von D.

7. I wouldn't know who Kat Von D is.

7. LOL OMG WTF would not be considered an actual conversation.

8. If you were a size two someone would start a relief organization on your behalf.

9. Finally an excuse to wear one of these:



10. I wouldn't have seen a bride on a reality show proudly pronounce after her pastor "I D Wed"

11. I never EVER would've seen the bride on My Big Redneck Wedding tell about how her fiance proposed by peeing "will you marry me?" in the snow. Had that happened back then they would've at least had the decency to keep that delightful story to themselves.

I'm probably just being nostalgic. On the down side I would have to ration sugar & people would be shocked if/when I said craptastic. Not to mention the fact that there would be even more pressure to "just get married already." Just once I want to walk down a spiral staircase in slow motion.